this (writing) doesn’t come out easily, probably because I'm out of practice. I've been so out of it all the time, lately. I can’t figure out why i was writing in the first place, so i came to this keyboard to get into it, and remind myself. when it was flowing, it felt so good just to get it out, so I'm trying again.
I’ve been thinking about the whole psychiatric medication thing, and I think I've said this before, but I feel like I'm worse on all of this shit than I am without it. There are so many meds, and I've tried them all, I really don’t even remember what my natural state is like, or if it’s manageable. I can tell you without a doubt that the way I've been these last two weeks isn't manageable at all, I hardly function. It’s always that line “oh psychiatry isn’t an exact science”. I'm not going to look at a dictionary here, but my understanding of science is that it has to be exact, otherwise it ain’t fuckin science. I don’t know what it is, but it stinks like rubbish.
psychiatry is like a religion to some people “oh the meds” “what meds are you on?” “are you taking your meds?” “are you on the right meds?” “gotta adjust your meds”. You know, I trust psychiatry about as much as I trust religion (not at all). My dad trusted the medication thing religiously and look at him, he’s one of the most fucked up people I know…not that I know, I haven't spoken to him in months. It’s not a stretch of the imagination to assume the situation probably ain’t pretty.
I was trying to get a job every day during the few morning hours when I was feeling good, and it once I had to actually show up and do these things, I wasn't able, I would have an anxiety attack in midtown Manhattan . that’s why I keep filing for disability, I am very literally disabled by being a fucking nutcase. I cant even describe the discomfort when i talk to experts, I just feel off.
what am I supposed to do? I'm puzzled. how do people do things?
that’s the logical step, that’s what people do: they get jobs. its kind of embarrassing but I haven't worked since 2020, and that was a fucking disaster.
you know what it is: all this fucking existential self awareness. I think too much and I cant turn it off, the whole thing is a lot of weight to carry around. It’s safe to say I'm fairly intelligent, but i think it would be easier if I were stupid. I would just take everything at face value, punch a clock, get married, reproduce, buy a house, refinance my mortgage, take the kids to soccer practice, file my taxes….I don't know, whatever the fuck people do. I feel like I cant do anything.
I mean, I can write, for whatever that is worth. I guess the “I cant do anything” statement is a little dramatic. look at that, this little entry wrote itself.
