New York Presbyterian Hospital actually has iPads on their psych units for patients to use and I just wanted to say to those that read this : that I am I’m not going to drink myself to death. I have agreed to go to long-term treatment.
I always just get into a hospital and sign a three day notice for discharge , leave and never get better. I just keep drinking and I keep getting worse and more depressed. I am trying to act as though i don’t know anything about being OK with myself and being sober so I can let someone else take the wheel, recommend next steps. you know all that fucking cliché shit that people say when they are sober to someone that’s not having a good time getting sober? I won’t fill this page with all of it, but i imagine you’ve heard Some of it before.
The worst part about that shit is it’s all true. I know it is.
that’s where its at for me. even if I did drink myself to death it could take another fuckin 20 years and it will be really really slow and painful. I don’t like that I don’t like that pain. i know that pain so well.
this is what happens when I drink and do drugs: I never end up in a better place than I was before it’s always always psych wards, jail and other institutions, other miserable situations. at least right now the choice are removed for me I’m just I’m locked in here and I can’t go make myself worse because if I didn’t agree to go to longer-term treatment i definitely would keep sliding . I can’t even imagine what’s worse than the past couple weeks and worse than how I feel right now I don’t want to find out.
I will hopefullto write as much as I can but it may be a while before I can post anything I’m sorry to have said things that worried anybody but, this shit fucking worries me. I don’t know why I keep getting another shot of the fight to keep trying even though I just want to give up. I guess I’m just lucky, if that’s what you want to call it.
I can’t get inside in my social accounts because I lost my phone but I can be reached at ev.penk7@gmail.com At least I can get into that, I don’t how I’ll ever get everything else again, fucking nightmare.
