I went to Manhattan, yesterday, just to go somewhere. My roommate gave me a MetroCard so it didn’t cost 6$. I actually found a full pack of American Sprit cigarettes near St. Marks, too, that’s like an 18$ pack of smokes. Score!
When I got home, at around one PM, I fell asleep for about 3 hours.
I woke up, and felt tired for the rest of the day, despite 3 or 4 cups of coffee, and I was definitely asleep by 8 PM. I slept through the night until about 7 this morning.
I went down the street at around 8 AM to do my laundry, which took about an hour. I felt like I had worked 8 hours when I was done folding it.
The reason i’m sharing these boring details of nothing, is to say: I have absolutely no energy, none. I feel like my whole being weighs 500 pounds and is very difficult to operate and move around.
I really am not a fan of this. It feels like my whole light is dim. Nothing really gets any kind of positive or pleasurable response from my mind, even music. This is the telltale sign that I am not very well, and it troubles me.
I felt much better when I wasn’t on these medications that i’m on (Depakote and Abilify) during that month or so when my psychiatric medications lapsed, and I couldn’t get an appointment for a really long time. I felt better, I woke up with energy, I didn’t need to sleep so many hours because I literally cannot stay awake. I wrote every day, I made music all of the time, I could handle a trip to the laundromat.
I have a psychiatrist’s appointment on Tuesday, luckily. I need to speak to her about this, this is no way to live.
Now, i’m trying to recover from the hour long post-laundry nap, and I still have to go to the food pantry to wait in line for free food, so that my belly will stay full until I get some money. I don’t know how i’m going to manage it. It’s post-nap coffee #2, and I have to leave with my little old lady cart in a little under an hour.
I cant fart out on this, I have to have food in the house. Never-mind Angel (my mentally challenged roommate) who I’m pretty sure would starve without me being here. I spoke to my supportive housing case worker about that, by the way, he knows it’s not my responsibility to take care of Angel, he acknowledged that fact. He said that when Angel’s food stamps get deposited on the 8th, he will take the guy grocery shopping and try to assist him in actually budgeting them. I mean, that’s kind of a start, I suppose, but today is only May 30th.
You see, it’s often a struggle to look after my own needs, I am in no position to care for someone else’s, financially or mentally… it isn’t right to ask that of me, and I wonder if it’s contributing to my constant fatigue, as well.
That’s the problem with being a semi-functional individual with a mental illness, people just assume because you shower, do laundry and go grocery shopping that you’ve got something together. I assure you there are days when I've got absolutely none of my shit together, and I have to lay in bed all day, somewhere between asleep and awake.
I wanted this blog to do a number of things, and one of them was to try to help the reader understand mental illness. I often don’t need to write about it because I’m feeling pretty OK, and I can go off on tangents about politics, music and technology. Today, I’m feeling a lot less than OK, though. Isn’t it ok not to be ok, though? that’s what i’ve read.
I think there’s another factor, the fact that I have less than 5$, so: it would be a great time for the loyal readers to help with that, and of course there is a way to do it:
https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
