11:11, The Winter Solstice 2023
It’s not going to be one of those nights where i can get some sleep, it’s 11:11 and it feels like 4 in the morning because i cant sleep. i don’t think the heat is even turned on, and the thermostat is in this locked plastic case so i cant turn it up. i’m still glad as hell that i got a place to be at, i just need to call the housing people in the morning and have them turn the heat on.
my mom sent me the french press that i knew i was going to get as soon as i got here, so after too much tossing and turning, i got up and brewed a fresh pot, because i know i gotta ride this night out and sleep doesn’t seem like it’s going to be in the cards anyway. the coffee is wonderful, for someone whos been drinking instant coffee for over a year, the real thing is different, it’s noticeable. i’m drinking my coffee out of my gameboy mug that Good Human Nate sent me by surprise last week. i wrote a whole post about what a good human nate is, a few years ago, because it’s true.
being cold, and not having hot water is rough, i wanted to take a shower and go to sleep. but it’s not the end of the world, i’m sure once buisness hours come around, someone can rectify it. for now, i’m in my big chair, wearing my big sweater.
this apartment feels so empty, i haven’t seen any of the other occupants yet, and it feels like no one lives here, especially because the heat isn’t on. it seems like i just got this huge apartment with no one else in it, it’s weird. i’ve been surrounded by people at all times for almost a year and a half, and now here i am by myself, in my chair, wearing my sweater, typing about nothing to pass the time.
when i left the program i had been in since last fall, 2 of the staff members cried, and honestly i was holding back tears myself. i don’t think anyone knows where that came from but it just happened, it’s going to be weird without me bopping around with my headphones on and drinking too much coffee. my roommate, Enrique texted to check up on me already. i appreciate things like that, i appreciate getting checked on, it means someone cares about me. this is one of the reasons that i declare Nate a good human, actually, because he notices when i’m not present.
“i want you to notice when i’m not around”
- Radiohead, Creep
i think we should all check up on each other, i hope you check up on your people, every now and then. my brother hates the phone, but he called me today while i was walking back from my new bodega. people know i’m going through a big change and they want to make sure i’m alright.
i am alright, i have my little insanites, but hopefully they stay little.
i’m dead serious about getting off of this adderall shit. i wonder if i have to just soldier through the awful 2 weeks of depression from stopping or if theres some less painful way to get off of it. i don’t know, man, i don’t want to be addicted to any drugs, and i’m hooked on this one. i don’t think it’s going to burn the house down, but it definitely needs to be addressed.
no , sir , i don’t like it
i’m having such a hard time fully getting over this flu i had over the weekenmd, i felt like i wanted my mommy i was so ill, everything hurt, it reminded me of when i was in detox coming off of all of the opiates i had been doing. just brutal. i’m not anywhere near as sick as i was but my body is hurting and i’ve been coughing. it’s another contributing factor to me not being able to sleep. i know the vapes don’t help, but it’s gotta be better than smoking a pack of newport 100s a day, like i used to. smoking is so gross, i don’t even enjoy it, i don’t know why i smoke the 3–5 cigarettes a day that i do, it makes me feel so gross. like i was poisoned, because, you know, i was.
so i’m addicted to amphetamines and nictotine…and caffine. at least it isn’t crack and dope, i better make sure it doesn’t go back that way, but i’m pretty confident it wont. you can never say “oh yeah, i’m over it, i used to be and addict but now i’m not”. that demon never goes away, you’re never over it. once you think you are, that’s when you get fucked. trust me, i know.
i don’t know if this post is all complaints, if it was, hey, sorry about that. just because there are some things to complain about doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot more stuff to be grateful for. this is one of the things i learned in treatment, not to let the problems color the whole picture. greyscales, baby.
Oh Yes, Coffee From You To ME!
