On Now
On wed:
I’m tired of thinking today.
When I write, it helps with that, I just remembered, so i grabbed my computer, and put it on my lap where i’m bed/brainrotting. It has not been off of my desk for some time, actually…it’s not a desktop computer.
not having any money is still really bad for my mental health. i try so hard to do everything right, and i also try to separate how much money i have from my general sense of well-being but i’m just not there, hopefully sooner than later i will be better with this.
my life does not suck, but when i’m picking cigarette butts up off of the ground and eating random canned beans to stay full, it really feels like my life sucks.
the other thing that happens is that i scroll the rubbish of instagram and dislike basically everyone.
i do not like this, i do not want to be like this and i am not actually like this. it’s just temporary, i hope.
Sunday (now):
I’ve just had therapy on zoom and gone to temple.
Seriously, the only thing that takes my mental health from it’s good square is poverty. in every other measurable aspect of my mental and spiritual health i’m miles ahead of any place i’ve ever been.
I’m playing and producing music at a level i never thought i could get to technically.
i’ll be speaking at a 12 step meeting on the 14th, which i remember being something that can really enrich my recovery (i used to do it frequently, ten years ago).
the hinduism thing works out to a point where i’m not even going to go on about sernedipities because i’ve learned that people look at you like a lunatic. not that i care, it’s too bad for them.
here’s one i’ll leave you with:
On Friday Night:
I was sulking around, hungry and in a nicotine withdrawl fit.
This indian kid, maybe a bit younger than me, saw me sitting crosslegged in front of one of my local bodega spots.
i wasn’t saying anything, i was in my zone.
he handed me 20$, and ten cigarettes.
i was in my head about not having anything, and this happened. i expressed gratitude and asked this man his name.
he replied “Ram Dass”
Back to now:
The place with mental health that i consider now: i’m having natural reactions to things, and feeling about them that are appropriate. so much is devoted to establisng some kind of pathology for people who have human feelings about things that are fucked.
waking up without guaranteed breakfast, coffee and a smoke: oh, you can bet anyone would get stressed out.
i’m still a fucking G. that’s why i compile my anxieties into an actionable state, and go fucking get that shit.
people help me, but it’s been a pretty long stretch where i’ve had to lean too hard into feeling like a beggar, which is very hard for me to feel given my time on the street as…a literal beggar.
the whole “no money” thing, fucks with you.
someone asked me for change last week, and i told him “man, i’m broke”
he said “don’t say that about yourself”.
trying, man….seriously.
if you could help, by all means:
maybe i can avoid the anxiety attacks from getting my card declined fo a loaf of bread in dollar tree on 101st.
