Whoa, man. These chemicals are crazy. The chemical of the day is called Wellbutrin, and my psychiatrist prescribed it for me about a week ago, you know, for bi-polar depression. I started taking it, and on the 5th day I was walking down liberty avenue because I had to catch a bus to my primary care appointment, things went awry. I was having all of these weird muscle spasms In my legs, my fingers were twitching and locking up, and my jaw was doing weird things, plus good old fashioned anxiety.
I was at my doctor for a follow up on why I have no energy (ever), but it was more pressing that I was having some kind of weird drug freakout, that reminded me of the “ecstasy” pills of the early 2000’s (because who knows what were in those things). I like to avoid the emergency room, if possible, so it was fortuitous that I happened to be seeing a doctor on the very day of this reaction. She prescribed me muscle relaxers, told me to stop taking wellbutrin and if it didn’t get better, to go to the hospital. She suggested I reach out to the psychiatrist, but they do this thing there, where they don’t answer their phone, so it’s time to get a different shrink, it would certainly seem.
drugs. drugs to manage the drugs.
the side effects are worse than what i’m trying to fix. what am I even doing? This is the 2nd major horrible reaction to a psychiatric drug that i’ve experienced since August. back in the beginning of August, I had a 3 day long allergic reaction to Strattera that had me wanting to rip my face off, because of some weird phantom itching.
I look back at the last 2 and a half decades of trying to deal with mental health problems through a rainbow of anti-depressants, anti psychotics, stimulants and benzos, and I scratch my head. sure, I was adding my own chemical recipes to the mix, many times but still, what the fuck?
I really don’t know where to stand with this. I have to think about what even constitutes a “disorder” versus what is the human condition, I have to think about which juices are worth the proverbial squeeze.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to get out of myself. I was in the lower east side of Manhattan over the weekend, to attend the famous Tomkins Square Park Halloween dog parade (which was as great as it sounds), when I passed by the rehab program where I spent 15 months before I moved to Queens, and I thought about what it was like to be there, and what it’s like now. It occurred to me that maybe there was an opportunity to volunteer some of my time, which would help me to get used to getting out, going somewhere and doing something, doing something for someone else. so I sent some emails, and i’m planning to go over there next week, to meet with someone to see what I can do. It helps that the LES is a magical place to be, to me, anyway.
In about an hour I have a zoom call for another non-profit organization which helps elderly people with their dogs, and taking their dogs for walks. Obviously, this is great for me as I love dogs.
I don’t know what i’m doing, in any sense. I just have this idea that if I can put myself in places where I can help people, that everything else will figure itself out. I have no real evidence to back it up, i’m fully operating on vibes. We’ll see how it works out.
Now, If you read what I write, and you want to support the continuance of it i’d just like to point out that you totally can, in a very real way.
I make all kinds of things, beyond bitching about dealing with mental illness, and the chemicals that come with that:
