Pain In The Ass

Ev R0ck
3 min readApr 10, 2024

This might get kind of graphic, but most of my writing gets kind of graphic, now, doesn’t it?

So, I didn’t get home until around 4 o’clock this morning. Not because I was at a rave or something, because I was at Queens General Hospital in the emergency room.

“Oh, No! Are you OK!?” you might be thinking.

The answer being: yes and no. You see I had to go to the emergency room from around 9 pm until 3:45 the next morning because of a pain in the ass, quite literally. I am not at all accustomed to how much hemorrhoids can fucking hurt. seriously, it feels like someone has taken a blowtorch to my butt hole. heavenly god, man, I am not kidding.

What did they tell me at the hospital? oh, just what I already know: I don’t eat enough fruit and vegetables. the same thing my friends and my mom tell me.

so, now I've lost all of yesterday’s gambling winnings to 1) having to take a Lyft home from the emergency room and 2) having to go buy all of the over the counter things I need so that i’m not screaming bloody murder from the horrible pain in my nether region. I did get some candy, too, I need something to enjoy in my time of suffering.

Just to exacerbate my misery, I woke up to zero coffee, due to my broken French press (which I will replace when I move, any day now). Not only did I wake up to a lack of morning brew, I also woke up to a very foul smell in my room, which I had to tear apart to reveal a the corpse of a mouse, just decomposing right behind my headboard. Naturally, this made me vomit, which is not the optimum way to start one’s day. I removed it, threw it in the trash and quickly took the trash out to the dumpster before it could make me throw up again. I did eventually get a coffee at the worst bodega in New York (aka the one across the street from my building), so that I could carry my tired, inflamed behind to family dollar to acquire the number of remedies recommended by the nurse last night during my ER visit.

I don’t really have time to be as tired as I am right now, I have shit to do. I have to pack up all of my belongings so that i’m ready to move, whenever my housing agency decides to drop that on me. It’s from my mother, I like plans, I want things to be planned and I want to be prepared for them. I cannot stand just randomly doing things on a dime, it makes me endlessly anxious. I wasn’t going to even write about anything today, but this is kind of humorous (I think), and if I don’t have a chuckle I might get all wrapped up in the suffering. You have to laugh at life knocking you down a few pegs, after a rather sizeable stroke of luck.

I will say, today’s research and development of AI tools to scare up a few bucks is cancelled. Whether or not I’ll be preparing for my moving day is yet to be seen.

Oh yes, speaking of my meticulous planner of a mother: she is also in the hospital as of late last night for things related to her recent diagnosis of ulcerative colitis. So, may I just ask that you keep my family and our lower digestive tracts in your prayers.

I’m going to eat a dozen bananas and 6 apples or something, later, but I do forecast an afternoon nap first.

Did you know that everything costs money, especially fruit? Just ask Donkey Kong about the coins he needed to replenish his lost banana supply in the 1994 Super Nintendo classic “Donkey Kong Country”. You can contribute the us dollar equivalent of the banana coin at this very handy website: