We hungry but them belly full.
I’m going to try to get back to writing, the well was a little dry for a while, but i’ve had a good night sleep and there are again some things inside of me that i couldn’t avoid letting out. My job as a writer is to try to make the reader understand my experiences and feelings in the places i’ve been, and i think i’ve been able to accomplish that when i’m at my best. i’m not saying i can always get there, but thats why there are nearly 600 posts, because i’m going to keep trying. a lot of times the trying is what gets me where i want to be mentally, whether or not the content gets any kind of actual liftoff. i hope it does, but i’m just happy to feel like i want to try again, i had that fear that the ability had left me permenently.
the other day i was walking by this little baptist church on the corner of my block on the way back from getting 3 loose newports for 2 dollars at my bodega. there are always a lot of churches like that in neighborhoods like this one, i guess people really need something to believe in out here. i only wish it worked for me, i’d be emotionally a lot better off. anyway, there was a flyer on the church advertising free groceries on tuesday’s between 9 and 10 AM. i’m in no position to ignore this kind of thing so i took a picture of the flyer, finished my cigarette and went home.
so, i woke up the next day and went over there about 15 minutes early, and when i showed up there was a line around the corner, streching down the block. it was freezing, and these were predominatnly older people standing out there, freezing their ass off to get something to bring home and put in the cupboard, because we all have to eat. i wasn’t bundled up enough to stand in the january cold like that, so i turned around and went home, taking note that it would be best to arrive much earlier if i was going to try it again.
so, a block away from my house there are maybe a hundred americans standing in the cold who’s real concern is food insecurity. i don’t know if the usual blog reader is in touch with that kind of reality on an every day basis, so i’m here to put you in touch with it. there’s always that anectdote about the soviet union, and the bread lines, and thank god we arent communist because we’d be waiting for our daily rations too. i don’t know why but i always remebered the fabled bread lines. like “oh thank god we’re in america, them motherfuckers are starving.”. motherfucker, we’re starving.
i’m trying to sort out the literal hundreds of thoughts that are kicked up from seeing this into something that’ll make sense, because theres a lot to unpack for me. i live in new york, so i could be on park place within a half an hour where hedge fund managers have multi milion dollar empty apartments that they just keep as assets and maybe never even occupy. i could wake up and see both american polarities of wealth within an hour.
i go to whole foods in union square because there is a little seating area where i can eat sushi that can be purchased with food stamps, it’s funny because i live in an area that Amazon wouldn’t consider a fiscally viable market to even open a whole foods, fuck, there isn’t even an Aldi. I take a little vacation to a whole foods to feel like like one of those people who would’t be in financial ruin from a cheeseteak. i don’t know how much money Jeff Bezos has, and i don’t care to look it up. even .001% of that wealth would alleviate food insecurity for someone’s lifetime.
i’m trying to figure out why we allow this in society. like, what kind of unspoken social contract do we have where this is acceptable? i’m fucking pissed off about it too. i see people’s kumbatcha and acai bowl budget that would keep me in all the 6 dollar boxes of oatmeal i’d need to have a nice breakfast every day for a month. god damnit, i’m low on all resources of sustinance, and i’m going to start stealing from whole foods.
if shrink losses on food from food shoplifting are the worst thing to happen to Bezo’s , he should consider himself lucky. i really wonder what keeps a society of people clinging to survival from tearing that kind of person to peices.
we should. there are so many levels on which this kind of wealth inequality is reprehensible, and not just on a moral level. I read about a target store in harlem being closed due to theft, and it makes me smile, like “yeah, we got one, good job people”. that’s a start.
“if you go hungry in new york it’s because you’re lazy”. a brilliant life long new yorker, addict, street person and chess prodigy named mike said that to me once, and it’s just one of those gems that i’ll never forget. it’s true, i have never gone hungry. i’m not going to, but even the possibility is enough to stress a man out. it’s enough to make a man seriously consider shoplifting, it’s not like i need a new TV, we’re talking about basic human needs here.
there is so much to this topic that this post doesn’t even touch. i wish i was a good enough writer to do this justice, but i just got out what i could. right? like what about the billions of dollars going to the genocidal Netenyahu? i thought that congress kneecaped the whole student loan forgiveness thing, but that fucker is able to get cruise missles funded without them. hmmm.
i hate america, i can seriously not think about anything good about it. and you can say that whole “why don’t you leave, then” thing, to which i’ll respond “motherfucker, i barely have the 3$ to get over to alphabet city, c’mon now”. i’ll circle around to this subject again, but i have to get ready to go to outpatient and connect with some of the folks i’ve been missing these past 2 weeks since moving out of the program. plus they owe me 650 dollars for a job i did while i was there, and they better stop fucking around, i’m on defcon 5 financial insolvency.
let’s all steal from whole foods.
But, seriously: i aint too proud to beg and a nice sandwich would do miracles for my mental wellness: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
