Let me give the typing a try here for a minute and see if it… makes me feel any better… nope.
If there’s any subject that I’ve been able to write about over the course of these past 2 years on Medium, it’s living with a mood disorder, from the inside. At this point, I think I could scroll back on my blog and chart my mood cycles, from these really good stories about a crazy life lived (6–7 min read) to these “ahhh I feel like shit” (2 min read).
I feel like dogshit, and it makes me feel like shit. It’s only 9 am and I want to go to bed. It’s this whole thing that feeds on itself, man. Feel like shit, feel guilty about feeling like shit and not getting anything done. It’s not like I really need to get anything done anyway. I’ve done all the things that I can do to improve my situation, and I have to be patient… which was never my strong suit.
I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I’m going to do my laundry and clean my little zone. I paid my phone bill thanks to the support of readers like you. I have written about it before, but I want to bring up my brother’s concept of “good job bro” when you do things like pay a bill, go grocery shopping, or do your laundry. By this standard, I will have done a good job with my day by lunchtime. Maybe I can go easier on myself, relax, and work on my Street Fighter Alpha 3 game.
I’ll just have to be patient with the writing not coming out on its own for a little while, maybe even stop forcing something every day. The only person who thinks I need to be in creative stride every day is me. I act like someone is sitting there analyzing what I do, like I analyze Grateful Dead tapes. No one is as hard on me as I am on myself.
At any given time, there is so much going on in my head. I can’t really speak for anyone else, but if I could, I’d imagine there is a lot going on in yours too. One of the things that writing does for me is put some of it in front of me, as a way to cope with and look at the pesky thoughts and feelings that pop up.
I remember back in 2017–2018 when I was fully on the Alcoholics Anonymous trip, I used to send a 10th step inventory email to my sponsor once a week. It was about where I had been dishonest, what fears I had, where I had developed resentment, and who, if anyone, I owed an amends to. I don’t do this now, but I used to go back and read past 10th step emails and see that the things that were stressing me out meant absolutely nothing a few weeks later. I suppose blogging serves that purpose.
Maybe the reader is just going to have to read a little stretch of the “ahhh I feel like shit” 2-minute articles until the better ones start writing themselves again. If this is you, reader… your patience is greatly appreciated.
Hey now, it’s that time again to mention that you could buy me a coffee to support my creative endeavors, it’s actually a really good time to do that given my financial state (or lack thereof) : https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
