Oh for the love of god. Why would I wake up at 2 AM and just stay awake? I had just gotten off to sleep at 10, and here I am…looking at a blank page on medium to try to busy my mind.
It doesn’t really bother me, though. I am finding that I’m quite unbothered by a lot of things that had me stressing just a week ago. It’s been a week since I took matters into my own hands and decided I’d administer my own ketamine treatment, after finding the professionally supervised treatments beyond reach, financially speaking.
Yesterday was my father’s birthday, and so I made the rare phone call to him (I hardly call anyone). Being that he also suffers from severe bi-polar depression, I was quick to tell him about my experience with the drug, and how it had pulled me out of a dark hole of existential loathing that had me in bed for weeks. He wasn’t critical of what I had done and how I had done it, because he understands what it’s like to want relief from that kind of pain.
It’s been hard for me to talk to him for some time now, because it’s just so painful to hear him suffer, and to feel like he’s given up. Calling him was another one of those things that I wouldn't have or maybe couldn’t have done a few weeks ago. The conversation was light and pleasant, lasting about a half an hour. I told him to come down (from Vermont) to NYC and we could try to bail him out of his funk the way I bailed out of mine. I don’t know if he ever will, but I wish I could share some of the relief I've been able to get.
I just move differently, I do things I had put off for years, like finally getting an appointment to see a primary care doctor. Sure, it was cancelled and I have to wait until September, but it’s on the books, man, i’m going to find out why I have been having severe fatigue. I suspect my body lacks some kind of nutrients or something. The funny thing is that I saw a sign on an Indian pharmacy on liberty avenue, advertising free multivitamins, just 2 days ago and now i’m taking them every day to see if it makes a difference.
And drinking water. which doesn't sound like much but I pretty much strictly drank soda and energy drinks for as long as I can remember.
Through research, I realized that literally all of the medications i’m on from the psychiatrist cause fatigue, also. It’s going to be interesting when I see her on the 5th, and tell her I’ve done psychedelics and i’m not particularly interested on being on 5 pills a day that make me feel like I weigh 500 pounds, and need two naps before 3pm.
It’s my body, which is connected to and controlled by my brain.
I’m just not in a constant state of fear and stress, over much of anything. Sure, I have no money, sure i’m running low on everything. I just feel like the universe will provide, though… I mean, hasn’t it always? Why would it just go and stop?
I must be nicer to live with, too. I had mentioned that my extrovert roommate annoyed me by always wanting to hang around while i’m trying to be an introvert in my room. Well, since he likes those fighting games from the 90’s that I also like so much, I installed a bunch of them on my computer and i’m going to bring it out to the living room with my 2 controllers, and try to be a good sport for a little while.
Capcom Vs. Snk 2 is my favorite 2D Street Fighter game, for the record.
I feel fortunate. When I look at how limited my roommates are in their abilities to do things that I take for granted, due to whatever their mental health issues are, and how they require professional help to grocery shop and do other things I do all of the time. I don’t need the help that they need, but i can help them just by being a good example, and a friendly individual. I don’t think they’ll be stealing my food any more, either, as I made sure that someone is helping them take care of their own needs a little better. It’s good, I can’t afford to feed anyone but myself (barely). My goal with housing, is to make it to December, when I will be moved into my own place, without roommates.
Nothing has changed in the past 2 weeks but my perception, but my perception has changed everything.
This weekend I will return to the Hindu temple, and continue that direction of trying to connect with not just other people, but perhaps something bigger. I feel like it makes logical sense to continue to seek these things.
just because i’m not as stressed about money or food because I’m sure it’ll work out, doesn't mean I don’t need help working it out. so if you’re a reader who enjoys these little blog posts, please consider helping me out with a donation to the ko-fi. much appreciated: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
