Oh there it is, the big sad.
( this post is dictated through speech to text without the usual editing, although I should have another laptop fairly soon to get back to actual typing and proper spelling and grammar)
I was feeling very good for a while, I had even told people that I had gotten over my lifelong low self-esteem which is funny, you can’t just get over that. Obviously, I was way extra, in fact I didn’t even really sleep as much as I should, not because I couldn’t but because I didn’t even want to.
Ain’t that a bitch man? When You’ve got bipolar you can’t even feel good without it being suspect, and then you’ve got to pay for the good feelings in Stark existential depression. A real fucking cunt. I’m very irritated, and I literally do not enjoy the things that I care about or want to do anything. It’s funny because the same things that I was happy about, are the ones making me sad. I really enjoy a hyperinflated sense of self and ego, it’s such a refreshing change to the the old vicious self hatred routine.
And then you get to have that discussion that’s like “what medications are you on are you taking your medications maybe you haven’t found the right medication medication medication medication medication”. I swear to God that fucking industry is just inventing more medications because I’ve tried them all, and I’m taking it personally.
Let’s go ahead and try to have a little exercise and reframing things and thinking positively if we can. I will reiterate some of the things I was thinking about when I was sure I had stopped hating myself finally. I am not a bad person, in the sense that I do not intentionally harm people. I have caused harm, but not in a psychopathic intentional sense. This, of course does not absolve me from the actions of a totally self centered asshole, doing self centered asshole things. I am not without shame, guilt and remorse, therefore not a sociopath. I might think a lot of the time that I am a bad person, but here it is in print: I’m not.
I am intelligent, talented and creative. I am charismatic and personable. I’m good enough, smart enough and doggone it people like me.
I have made progress, too. At least I don’t ride my moods to the liquor store, drug dealer and the ensuing complete disaster that comes with those trips.
Wasn’t that nice?
In a way, this self-knowledge is an asset if I can utilize it to prevent me doing harmful things to myself. There is a drawback to it, though... It weighs a lot.
Let me just occupy my mind with something benign that doesn’t ask much of it.. Like tiktok.
