Point
It is 6:38 PM on a Monday, it feels a lot later. I do wake up between five and six AM, though, so that could explain it. It’s been 63 consecutive days of using that Sadhguru “miracle of mind” app for 7 minutes of guided meditation and a little insight after (that tends to be funny).
It’s immensely beneficial.
I’m kind of sad. I’m kind of sad that the increase in my lithium dose put me more down than i was up, i mean…
There’s something that I’ve thought a great deal about, and have discussed at lenghth with my closest confidants. I really wonder about psychiatry and psychology, i wonder what is a disorder, what is an illness and what is just the human condition.
When i was more manic, it was kind of nice to be on that vibration of creative connection. I used to think about how “cringe” it was, but now that i don’t really give a hot shit who cringes…. i don’t know.
i don’t know where to stand.
if i make an honest apprasial of my life since the age of 14, I’d put all of the psychiatric drugs at a higher score of harms than good. Many people don’t want to hear this kind of thing, because for some reason they think of psychatrist’s scribbles on the perscription pad as the direct words of something like god.
god, that’s funny.
speaking of god, i spent the majority of the past 3 months in church basements (AA meetings) just about every day. Now, here’s another example of things you aren’t allowed to critisize.
I came to the realization, that it’s not for me. i won’t go into the whole chain of events that made me realize this (again), but i will say i have yet to drink or do bad drugs in the two weeks since i stopped going. It was causing me more stress than relief, but being the popular kid was nice (i suppose). I’m a social butterfly, when i want to be. Although it’s nice to know people, and people were nice, it started to feel mostly like a social obligation.
I’m not obligated to any clique, i never was and i never will be.
it’s likely that someone will jump down my throat abut critisizing the program, but again….i could give a fuck.
do i enlarge my spiritual life? yes. do i help others? yes. do i drink? no.
it’s a weird thing i’m noticing: many people from this kind of community want to help you…be a part of the 12 step community, not neccessarily get well outside of that model.
meeting makers make it to meetings.
I’m not saying “forever” about this. I don’t like to deal in absolutes.
The thing about the real bad drugs (alcohol being at the top), is that they aren’t congruent with who i want to be, what i wan’t to do, or where i want to go.
I’ve just enjoyed living a life and doing things that a younger me would get a kick out of: retro video games, making music, making graffiti labels (and slapping them all over the place).
i just take long walks with my headphones on, take pictures and sing. i’m blessed that i can do that.
i still think about how great the technology is that i have access to, as someone who started using computers and gadgets 30 years ago. i think about it in terms of how it can be used as tools for interesting and even beautiful expressions of my experience with the human condition, the city, and the times we live in.
i don’t plan on stopping, and the more i do it the better it gets. i have such a massive archive of stuff, and I’ve lost most of the “stage fright” of posting and sharing it all over the place.
