Note: I'm not letting chat GPT near my writing, like I was for it’s grammatical editing, anymore, it was cutting the testicles off of my tone and delivery. you’ll have to live with a little roughness around the edges, it maintains what i think people keep coming here for. thank you for doing that, by the way, all 59 of you who did that yesterday.
Ah, yes, ok. I've had a good nights sleep, I woke up at 9, had a few coffees and a hearty bowl of crunch berries. now, I've come to the computer with the sexy mechanical keyboard, before anyone else could take over the machine to watch anime all day, not that I have anything against anime. I've just never gotten into it, beyond growing up on the Pokémon series that aired after school when I was in 7th grade, and the initial Pokémon fever was hitting my school hard, with red and blue on Gameboy.
I may not know any of the monsters above 150, but I still think Pokémon is cool. that whole Pokémon go thing, was an exciting moment in society. we all got together to go visit some benches in the town i was living in, and there were tons of people there, and we all got along and talked to each other. my friend Max and I even met a police officer who was catching them. I think it could have lasted a little longer if they made the battle system with the kind of JRPG depth that was in the original, instead of just who could tap their screen faster. maybe i just wish it was still a thing, that was a kind of high water mark for me as far as being a millennial with a smart phone. has everything gone downhill since then? hmmm, that’s an interesting idea to ponder.
I was writing the other day about peaking in high school, I think I may have had a peak around 2004, sure, but I definitely was having another one around the time that we all went outside to catch them all. I was sharing this little apartment with my brother that was right on the ocean in Belmar new jersey and working at GameStop. it obviously helped things that I was about 2 and a half years sober, through active membership in AA, which also supplied me with a robust social life. my immediate family was all in the same area, and we got together often.
I don’t often talk about my romantic life, because I don’t often have one. that’s what happens when you can’t stand yourself, you have trouble standing anyone else for extended periods of time, plus I've been faithfully married to my own self destruction for the majority of at least the last decade, if not my entire adult life. anyway, not only did I catch some pretty high level pocket monsters, I caught a pretty high level girlfriend, who I stole from this finance bro kid who looked like Johnny Depp.
I'm not still all heartbroken over how it ended or anything like that, it’s just that 2016 was that point in our relationship that happens in all relationships, where everything is easy and fun and it doesn’t require any work. it was just laughter, ice cream, carnival rides, the physical stuff, and sweetness. it was before you see the parts of someone that drive you crazy. god bless anyone who has maintained a romantic relationship beyond that point, because that’s hard work.
I'm not going to get into the whole thing with her, god bless her, she’s really smart and I hope she’s doing well. i imagine she is, looking like that. we were friends after she apologized for stressing me out to the point where i had to end the whole thing, I was highly impressed with her for doing that. one day in 2020 she said she couldn’t talk to me anymore, and that’s sad, but i don’t blame her. especially if she got into something serious with someone else, you cant be texting an ex every day when you’ve got something else going on. she may also have been hurt by watching what i was doing to myself. I don’t know what she’s gotten into, and I prefer it that way.
when I look back on the various romantic situations, the initial fun times are what come to mind, I don’t remember getting really stressed out when the eventual reality of being close to another human comes into play. I'm not the kind of person that jumps from one monogamous romantic situation to another because they can’t be with themselves for a second, I'm kind of jealous of those people, though I imagine there’s some pain to having the inability to deal with yourself. look at me I'm dealing with myself right now, fucking asshole that I am.
until I get over my fear of writing about that part of the human experience (s-e-x), I'll just tell you that I'm fucked up. my grip on intimacy, and romantic interpersonal relations is not super tight. I'm not mad at Sasha grey, though, god bless that kid. why wouldn’t you commodify your sexuality where everything is a consumer ready product?
I will come out and own the fact that I have spent so much time swiping the tinders and okcupids of the world. I have paid money to be at the premium advantage point, which is like a cheat code for snap judging people based on a photo, and meaningless sex with strangers. it is incredible how these things are designed to separate us from our money because we all get either lonely, horny or both. i cant confirm this as a fact, but i suspect the folks who designed the dating apps (its pretty much one corporation that owns them all) did some serious studying into the human brain, and which switches to flip to exploit our deepest desires for profit. i think it’s so funny how people talk about the algorithms of all of these things like they are the Tao, or some kind of omniscient being that no one controls. somebody designed them, patented them as intellectual property and keeps them somewhere. the algorithm isn’t the hands of fate, somebody, somewhere is doing that. the ways they are working are closely guarded trade secrets, too. the developers of them were smart, but now AI is likely fine tuning the new law of mass psychological nature more efficiently than even the most brilliant of the minds at Meta, google or Match Inc.
I have tried to avoid all of that tindering . I will try to avoid that going forward. come on, though, who doesn’t get lonely and want to fuck? I'll take all of the criticism for being human in the digital age that you want to throw at me. besides, now I'm married to self expression (isn’t that pretentious).
I was really thinking about the ways in which I regularly try to get my dopamine receptors firing, and writing this is the best one I have. it’s way better than pornhub or tinder. it’s better than Pokémon too.
I am loveable, and I deserve all of that. even if I don’t have all of the things that one thinks are required by society to be desirable. I'm not making that case for you, I'm making it for me. I forget. I’ve gotten chicks before, I bet you I could get one again.
“lonliness is such a…Drag”.
-Jimi Hendrix
GODAMNIT:
I’m good enough, i’m smart enough and goshdarnit people like me. get the kid a coffee, if you can
