oh man, i bought some new gel pens that came in the mail and it turns out one of them is green which is very welcome to both the arsenal of gel pens, and the pages of “the real notebook” (out of the ten notebooks, this is the real one.) i just free flow think into it, without any paramaters. because i think, and think.
i was bouncing around this idea of having guilt and remorse for fucking up everything, again and again. i was wondering if i need to hang on to it, or just let it go. it’s not like i set out to do it, or intentionally harmed anyone. i know my people worried sick, and i think having remorseful feelings about putting them through that means that i’m definitively not a psychopath.
that’s good news, isnt it?
so i said a lot of sorry’s on the phones in the rehabs. my brother told me to cut it out, and he told me it was all counterproductive. this was over a year ago, but for some reason i was thinking about it this evening with my ferrari of a green pen. my brother is probably right, don’t tell him i said that, though.
i don’t know what anyone’s editorial take on my various missions of compulisve self destruction is, really. i can tell you i feel like shit about it, and wondering if i could try not to keep beating myself up about it. wondering about it in green gel pen.
just having a burrito, and a think. from the comfort of my home. if you look at the whole picture, on the scale of places i’ve been, by the standards of quality of life: i’m living like a king right now. i’m not saying it lasts forever, or there isn’t ups and downs i just want to look at the minute i’m living in and call it a good one. on paper, for the next minute that isn’t so good. life isn’t always pork burritos, and super sexy green pens.
i’m into things that comfort me, it’s all comfort food. these little things matter to me. i’m into melatonin around 7 so i can be asleep by 8:30. i’ve got some social and musical activities planned for tomorrow afternoon. i’m just hoping that the snowstorm doesn’t interfere. i need to let it rip.
