I lost track of what I was trying to do with this blog. It started off with a dedication to the concept of rigorous honesty about my experiences in life but It became an exercise in trying to make people think I was doing well, when in fact I’m still miserable a lot of the time and engaging in self-destructive behaviors, like drinking myself into a blackout just because I have social anxiety.
Recovery… what does it mean? Are you still in recovery if you consistently revert to old behaviors, even if you know they don’t benefit you?
I started understanding a big new concept during the year I spent in treatment before getting to the supportive housing situation where I am now. The big idea is that recovery isn’t linear — sometimes we take a step back, when we want to take a step forward. This is very different from how I was conditioned to look at it through the lens of Alcoholics Anonymous and the popular paradigm of “I used to be an addict, but now I’m not”. The whole idea of hitting rock bottom one day, and then being forever changed for the better is not my experience. I’m sure addiction has further down holes for me to fall into.
But here’s the deal: accepting the messiness of recovery can be way more helpful than trying to be perfect. It’s about realizing that progress isn’t always smooth sailing. It’s about cutting ourselves some slack and keeping our eyes on the big picture. Recovery is a personal journey, and there’s no right or wrong way to do it.
When I write things like this, you should understand that I’m not just trying to convince the reader, but also myself that I’m not an abject failure.
Let’s be honest, even if others were to criticize my path, it wouldn’t hold a candle to the harsh judgments I place on myself.
I should think about why I’m so forgiving of other people; I grant them so much grace by trying to understand the way they see things, but I can’t extend that same courtesy to myself.
Why can’t I think about it like “Well, obviously you did that messed up thing (whichever of the many it is), or you’ve got dysfunctional tendencies. Just have a look at the cloth you’re cut from.” Or even “Of course you’re going to be a complex individual, think of how intelligent you are. Do you think an awareness of self like that is going to be weightless?”.
Am I just trying to duck my culpability for being a selfish, self-centered, manipulative, sex/drug addict, alcoholic loser with 3$ to his name?
Look at that question, read it again if you have to. If I were really a “bad person” without redeemable human qualities, I wouldn’t ponder a question like that, I’d be without the 100-ton weight of toxic shame.
I mean, let’s be real here. Who really knows what they’re doing in life? We’re all just winging it, figuring it out as we go. And yeah, maybe we mess up sometimes, or take a few wrong turns along the way. But that’s what makes the journey interesting, right? If everything was smooth sailing and we always had all the answers, where’s the fun in that?
So, you know what? Forget about perfectionism, self-doubt, and anyone who tries to bring me down. I’ll try to be as true to myself as I can, keep asking those tough questions, and keep following my compass. Because at the end of the day, I’m the only one who can define what success and happiness look like for me.
“If you don’t like my lyrics you can press fast forward.” — Sean Carter, AKA Jay-z, “99 Problems”
Thanks for reading my honest musings on my journey. Sharing my thoughts and experiences openly like this can be a vulnerable act, but I believe there’s power in that vulnerability and honesty. If my words have resonated with you, I’d be honored if you considered supporting my writing by donating to my Ko-fi.
