Regularly Scheduled Thoughts

Ev R0ck
2 min readSep 23, 2024

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It’s about 10:30 PM on a Sunday night, and I’m in bed writing, because it’s a practice I want to maintain.

I had a long phone conversation this afternoon with my oldest friend Pat today, who I've been friends with since he first took a seat next to me on the school bus in middle school. I don’t know if it’s common to for people to have a friend for that long that they can still talk to. It’s one of the people that I can go extended lengths of time without seeing or speaking to, and when it picks up again a beat is never missed. We don’t have to explain ourselves to each other, the back stories are known.

It’s an incredible gift, a friend like that. It’s someone who knows me, through all of the various versions of me that I've been since I was 13 (I’m 38 now) , with all of the less than desirable traits and behaviors I posses and loves me like a brother unconditionally despite them. The feeling is mutual.

I’m blessed with numerous people who I have that kind of friendship with, they’re all over the place (physically speaking).

I say that, because lately around this time of day I have almost a scheduled arrival of the feeling that i’m not who I wish I was, or where I should be. I get stuck on all the good things that I’m not, and all of the bad things that I am or have done. “I’m not enough, I don’t do enough.”

I wouldn’t really categorize it as self pity, as much as self hatred. Now, i’m aware of it so it doesn’t take the kind of visceral command that it probably did before I started really questioning the things that my mind presents me with. So, i’m here, looking at it… It was actually in my discussion with Pat when I realized that it’s literally got a block of time where it’s scheduled to show up, like the local newscast.

If I’m as bad as my mind tries to tell me that i am, I don’t think i’d have all of these people in the kind of lifelong friendships that I have with Pat. If i’m such a malignant person , surely, I would not be concerned with wanting to be better, and working to be better.

It’s quite possible that I am enough, and so are you. I mean, why not?

Like I said, I’m just writing to write.

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Ev R0ck

Embracing the unconventional path, empowering others to create, connect, and thrive. https://linktr.ee/EvR0cK17