I think that the very foundation of my entire personality is toxic shame and low self esteem. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s being bullied as a kid for being too short, unathletic, having an unexplained nervous tick in my neck or just being odd. I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t think I am unique in this way, as a matter of fact most speakers I’ve heard in AA tend to express a similar sentiment at the beginning of their story.
I’m the worst addict I know, I’m the most mentally fucked up person I’ve ever met, I’m selfish and self centered. It doesn’t matter If these things are true because I believe them. It’s so embarrassing to fuck up over and over and over and over and over. It feels like it’s impossible for me to ever get well and be a productive human, I’m either going to be passed out puking in a ditch or repeating the same cut and paste rehab shit (the information never changes).
My longest serving AA sponsor from my longest sober stretch said that I never believed I was worthy of recovery, and all of the gifts that come with it. He would have a pretty clear point of view as I told him everything for a few years.
How do I fucking unlearn this? I don’t know why I keep surviving all the dangers I put myself through. I got to a place where I didn’t want to survive, and I kept trying to overdose on heroin…it never worked, and I was angry.
I am angry and I’m in pain, but something has me gripping my seat here in the ten thousandth rehab I’ve been. I can’t hear anything over the negative chatter in my head but I’m fighting still. I advocate for myself and my needs, even when I don’t feel like it. I don’t know where I’m going to end up and I’m afraid, I’m still kicking though. Still kicking.
how i got here again:
“the hurt gets worse and the heart gets harder”
