Good morning. I slept very soundly, and came out of bed pretty highly motivated to work on this song i’ve been obsessed with since yesterday (once I had a couple black coffees and a few menthol 100s). I’m typing about it to avoid singing it, in fact I can’t wrap my head around how anyone could perform a song they wrote the lyrics to. I have a whole new appreciation for anyone who can, even If they are like Mariah Carey, The Red Hot Chili Peppers or someone who’s music I don’t particularly enjoy.
The biggest challenge is getting through it without turning to an emotional snot bubble…For whatever reason the whole thing is insanely intense, emotionally. My thoughts are just like “who the fuck is this person, and how did they figure out how to do this?” I’m worried about people hearing me sing it here in queens, even though i’m going to literally put it on the internet If I ever pull it off.
I found a way to mitigate this, I think. I have multiple vocal tracks and deliver as much as I can until I lose composure, pick up from there on a separate track and then merge them all together after so it sounds like a complete take.
I don’t mind admitting that i’m all emotional about something, I mean i’m trying to get over all of the conditioning that suggests it’s a bad thing. fuck it dude. I hope something does it to you In your day to day.
I spent a vast majority of my life trying not to feel anything at all, it’s like holding my hand over the stove, I recoil in horror.
I just want to finish this thing, I have ADHD and perfectionism, though.
I’m going to be a little Kanye West for a second: I want to finish it because I think it’s fucking sick, and I want it to be heard. You know that face that lead guitarists make when they hit one of those notes that is right where you’d want it, at precisely when you’d want it? That’s the face i’m making when I listen to it. The other thing I've decided to openly admit is that I quite enjoy external validation for things I've made. People can act cool, like they make art just for themselves, but that’s suspect to me because if that were the case then why have I seen so much of it? wouldnt it be hidden off in a basement or something?
Bodega Bagel Break
I know i’m pretty extra the last few days, but I appreciate ya’ll bearing with the frequent social media posts. I’m going to the shrink at 3, coincidentally… I wonder how i’ll unpack the last month of emotional upheaval.
“well, it started off as a severe depressive episode that hurt about as much as those things can, so I bought the ketamine that I cant afford to get professionally…oops I shifted my entire existential paradigm in an evening at home with Brian Eno albums and a Bluetooth speaker. It worked better than ability, Zoloft, latuda or Wellbutrin ever did. one thing though, i’m feeling a bunch of emotions now, and it’s making me uncomfortable, even though a lot of them are really positive. So, what now?”
I’m not complaining, it’s ok, I just didn’t plan for it.
“I feel the pain of everyone, then I feel nothing” -Dinosaur Jr. “Feel The Pain”
That might be my least favorite song by my favorite band, but it just came to mind.
Anyway, i’ve acquired some tools for managing all of this stuff (none of which are benzodiazepines or cheap burbon) , plus the newlyweds Dave and Liz make sure I have Spotify Premium, which is like google maps for finding intersections of the emotional and metaphysical roads we travel.
ok, I often think to myself “Ev, you could shut the fuck up a bit more, leave something to the imagination”. That’s what i’m going to do right now. I just wrote all of that shit to ride out an anxiety attack… remind me to lay off the energy drinks for a bit. Gotta take a shower, put on a clean shirt and attend my appointment.
I didn’t finish the song, but I decided that’s ok.
Insert Daily blurb about reader support for writer ice cream purchases. contributions were 5$, but now they’re 3$:
https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
I have to add this playlist again too, it’s crazy good:
