I woke up at 3:30 am and started typing:
I am not going to play it cool like I don’t care if anyone reads these things. If that were the case, I’d be scratching in a notebook that I kept in a drawer somewhere. I am typically a millennial, very much raised on social media. I love the little red notification circles in the corner of my apps. Of course, I want validation. It never once occurred to me to write without an audience. Also, I am deficient at generating my own validation, which isn’t as unique as it feels. It isn’t that I only write for an audience; I’m definitely doing this for me too. It feels insanely good when it’s working. If I were writing this stuff just to impress an audience, I definitely wouldn’t look so messed up as the main character. I’d be way cooler, like The Fonz. There is something powerfully cathartic I get from telling my take on the truth, even with all of its cringes and carnage.
Today, there are a lot more little red circles than usual. I don’t know what happened with any algorithm, but the thing I wrote yesterday was put in front of a lot more people, and they are all saying very nice things. How often do you hear from your high school guidance counselor 20 years after graduating?
So, I set out to express myself publicly, I plastered the URL anywhere I could, and I did it on a daily basis for about two years. I did it so incessantly that I annoyed even myself.
Here’s the mental game of fuck fuck (naturally): once a bit of the attention I had been seeking came, I had no psychological mechanism to process it. I’m not saying my blog outperformed one of those big Marvel movies that Disney has on an assembly line, or anything. I’m just saying there were people I’ve had no interaction with in at least a decade saying very complementary things about my writing on Facebook. I didn’t know what to do. I even avoided opening Facebook or checking the traffic on Medium. It was like I was afraid to see the response, even though it’s very positive.
What is that about?
I was at a loss for words, me, who can pretty much always find words… finding words is kind of my thing. Not to toot my own horn, but if there is one thing that I can usually do , it’s finding adequate descriptions for things. There i I was without words.
My heart is so full. I’ll tell you why:
This is not a bunch of likes on some filtered Instagram picture. It’s very easy to do that. We all have cool Instagram pictures. This is a response to some very personal things that for some freak reason I decided to write on the internet. Seriously, within half an hour of posting that, I wanted to take it down because I felt very exposed. Luckily, I go through that every day, so at least I know what to expect, and can ride it out.
Of course, it reminds me of something Jerry Garcia said when asked about the success of his band. I can’t find the direct quote, but I’ll paraphrase. He said they were always surprised when there were more people in the audience than were on stage (I think they were selling out Giants Stadium at the time). That’s pretty much where I’m at with people reading this. I realize that society has a very TikTok-length attention span, especially for media on the internet. I am not criticizing anyone. I myself don’t read when I have all of the screens around, but throw me in jail, and I’ll absolutely devour books. I always thought it was asking a lot from people to read; therefore, I have low expectations.
Everyone wants to feel seen and heard and get an acknowledgment of their experiences. Maybe not everyone, but definitely me, and definitely not all of the time. I’m trying to figure out why I get so focused on doing this, very pleased with the result , and then want to go disappear to somewhere remote and less online an hour later. Have no fear: I’m never going to actually shut up or go anywhere without one of the screens. I’m as dependent as so many of us. I know myself.
Let me just take all of this very warm and lovely encouragement and do something productive with it, something sensible. Imagine that. Let it make me want to keep writing this thing here. Let me see if I can agree with any of them that I’m not half bad at this. Let me look at the fact that I must have some kind of belief in doing something and having some faith in my ability to do it; otherwise, I wouldn’t put myself out there the way that I do.
Listen, I know I didn’t win an award or anything (it just feels like it), and I know hot yoga chicks that get way more digital engagement for eating an acai bowl on Instagram than I get on these stories. It just feels like a moment of success to stop and look at.
So, thanks for that.
heyyy, you could buy me an encouraging coffee with the click of a link, so easy:
https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
“you like my old shit, go buy my old albums” -Jay-Z:
https://medium.com/writing-community/i-have-been-very-busy-29dcda8c115c
