Oh, for fucks sake… my fucking eyes just started leaking this morning. I got up like any other day, drank a bunch of coffee, smoked a bunch of Newport’s, pissed a bunch of content all over the poor internet…whatever, its Wednesday. I decided I’d get up in front of this crowd of roughly 100 people and read a poem that I’m pretty happy with, it came off pretty well. I sat down and blogged about this girl who fuckin died the other day, and it fell out of me like it was looking to get itself out.
I spoke to my dad for the first time in a while, and I’m afraid he’s a bit manic, which has had pretty earth shattering ramifications over the course of the past few years, so I have a cautious trepidation about it. He was telling me how good my recent work on medium is, and i could tell he wasn’t blowing smoke up my ass about it and that he was actually pretty moved. All of the sudden i fucking started crying, which is fine because I’m always wearing 3$ glamorous shades that obscure this emotional thing that happened.
This was happening to me in the early days of my 4 year sober run in 2014, I actually unearthed a screenshot about it when I found out that every photo I’ve ever taken with a smartphone was backed up to google photos. When I get sober I get really grateful to be alive and float on what AA folks call a “pink cloud”, and ill cruise on this bitch for as far as it’ll take me.
🔼from 2014, but rings true in 2022
I’ll tell you why i lost it: i feel very good a lot of the time , i feel very comfortable in who i am, i feel like I’m creating shit at a higher level than i ever have, and it feels amazing. I’m in a place where I can be weird and creative. I’m not trying to brag, but i writing falls out of me at roughly forty words per minute, which isn’t 60, but is better than the boomer ttwo-fingertap game. I have to thank Mario Teaches Typing for my first mac in 1996 for keeping my fingers on the home row.
You can’t just have blog posts fall out of you unless you practice every day, that’s the only reason it’s easy. When I got started 297 (or however many) posts ago it was like pulling teeth. The feeling of doing it is incredible, which is why I’m pretty dedicated to the practice.
