I feel like I’m drowning in the weight of my existence. It’s not just a mental struggle, but a physical one too. Every day, I’m just trying to keep my head above water, constantly facing one crisis after another. Clinical bi-polar depression is an all-encompassing drain on your life force.
Today, I received a call from the cable company, demanding an $80 payment within 9 days to keep my internet connection, which is my lifeline to the world and the only thing keeping me sane and productive. Meanwhile, my monthly income of $200 seems to have vanished into thin air, lost somewhere in the convoluted labyrinth of the social service system.
To make matters worse, I had to resort to aggressive digital panhandling just to scrape together enough money to keep my cell phone on. It’s a constant battle, and survival is exhausting. It’s also very triggering given my history as a street dwelling panhandler.
I’m barely able to muster the strength to get out of bed each day, let alone tackle the daunting task of finding enough money for something as basic as a haircut, just to give myself a fighting chance at appearing presentable for potential employers.
That’s how it is, the people with mental illness who can’t advocate for themselves get screwed the hardest. That’s why you see many of us living on the street, but at least I'm keeping myself from that fate for the time being. At least I got myself off the street.
I refuse to give up. I’m determined to keep fighting, even on the days when it feels like the whole world is against me. It’s not easy, but I know that if I give up, I’ll be giving up on myself and everything I’ve worked for. So, I keep going, even if it’s just one small step at a time. I may not always succeed, but I’ll never stop trying. That’s the kind of resilience and strength I hope to inspire in others through my writing.
https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17/goal?g=0
