there’s too much drugs and violence in this post for chatgpt to edit it, so you’ll just have to live with what a mess it is grammatically. ill try to edit it myself, but it’s not going to have that AI edited shine.
I still felt really weird today, I was out getting a slice of pizza and was just out of it, so I came back and laid on my bed for like 3 hours, while my arms and legs felt all tingly. I just spaced out, I didn’t scroll Instagram or listen to music.
I thought since that was all I did today I might open this particular website, where I type things that come from my mind. I wonder what that is, right now at nearly 8pm on this Sunday night. I'd like to stay awake another hour or so to avoid that whole waking up in the middle of the night, or early morning thing, I really don’t like that.
where do I go now, what have I been thinking?
I was really thinking about how my last supportive housing situation went, as I prepare to interview for another apartment, tomorrow at 11. I was thinking about everything that happened, leading up to my 450 pound roommate attacking me with a steak knife. I am going to tell the people I interview with about it tomorrow.
I am fucking traumatized by the back half of 2021. not just the stabbing thing, but the whole thing. I still get pissed at the fat roommate for letting all of my belongings get stolen from my room, while i was in treatment for the methamphetamine addiction that I picked up after blowing through a whole month supply of Adderall in about 2 days. I got back to everything missing, and a junkie that squatted in our living room up until January (when the knife incident happened).
I've already written about all of this on here, in fact I wrote about it in depth, I went crazy with a pen in a rehab I was in in the winter of 2022, after all of it, I suppose ill link it.
I can’t clearly remember the knife attack, and that’s not really what i think about. although I would still like to kill my roommate, I would really like to kill the guy who manipulated him into giving away everything I owned and letting him use drugs in the living room. even as I was going to AA meetings every night and outpatient every day. I suppose I never had a chance.
where am i going? what am i getting at here? I suppose I wonder about the things that have happened to me and what i did to make them happen to me. in thinking that, I wonder how I can conduct myself so that things that bad don’t happen again. is that how trauma works? you figure out a way to blame yourself? I don’t know. I know that I'm going to stay in therapy for the rest of my life, and that’s another thing I need to tell these people that are interviewing me tomorrow. I cant let myself go off of the reservation of mental health care, no matter what’s going on. if my only treatment is YouTube videos about how to deal with energy vampires in your life, I'm probably not getting the care I need.
i need to be working on myself and I need support, that’s what supportive housing is, as far as I can tell. I am going to tell these people what I need from them as much as I am going to listen to what they expect from me. there were times in my last apartment where watching videos about energy vampires was all I had for my personal development. I need regular psychiatric outpatient care, and I’m going to make sure I have it.
Hold me to it: Ev.penk7@gmail.com
listen, i would like to just do what i always do and ask for a cup of coffee or 5: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
thank you.
