hmmm, oh yes, good morning. the morning Is my sharpest brain time, so I would like to channel that into a blog post or 2, plus this Fred Again.. music is just amazing writing music. I think people on social media are going to get sick of me talking about it and sharing it, they’ll just have to wait a minute, this is how I process music I really like. ask all of my logtime friends about that Mike Doughty album in 2005, or The Hold Steady in 2017 or any number of records that i’ve gotten obsessed with over the years. wait, I already wrote a post about Fred Again..
ok. see, that’s how good it is, the first record to get 1.3 blog posts and not just one. we wont spend anymore blog space on it but I really could.
moving on, moving on
when I got out here to my place in queens I just had the foreboding sense that the winter was going to go dark places, and boy was I right. but here we are, it’s March, daylight savings time. I mean, Christ it had me trying to off myself it got so dark, plus I lost a good ten pounds rather quickly, I don't exactly have the weight to spare. i’m here though, the winter is over, let us rejoice.
I don’t know what happened, but I feel fucking decent, 3 whole days in a row. just content to vibe around the house listening to DJ sets and writing. it’s one of those times where it takes zero thought or effort to compose my little blog posts, and they actually make sense after they’ve fallen out of me. I don’t understand how my mind works, and trust me it hardly does, i’d like to get a better percentage of time with mental functionality, without being prescribed speed. I think I just have to drive in between the lines that my mind paints for me, and get shit done by the time it’s afternoon.
Saturday morning I felt too good to take the abuse my landlady was trying to deal me, as usual. my room is right above hers, and if I get up in the middle of the night she freaks out like i’m throwing a dubstep party up here. today she gave me shit for having friends over at night and I just hit this point where I had to say “quick question: what’s your fucking problem?”. i’m an adult, i’ll have company whenever I want to, and if I have to walk around my room at night, that’s what the fuck i’m going to do. I tried my best to color in the lines of her unrealistic expectations, but she cant be appeased, so fuck her. she doesn’t do anything but sit at home, collect rent from this building she owns and nitpick my behavior, and my housing agency says i’m not the first tenant to have this very same problem so here it is: fuck her. Am I blessed to have a peice of socialism in supportive housing in New York City? fuckin a I am. but someone is paying this woman, even If it’s the taxpayers of this great state…excelsior!. she has no right to tell me I can’t walk around my apartment after ten o’ clock.
i’m a communist so I already don’t like landlords right off the jump, I feel too good to take that shit. fuck it,i’m smoking newports in my room until I move by the end of the week, a younger me would throw a party…38 year old me has social anxiety and cant stand a hangover.
landlords are leaches, i’m not taking shorts from her for a minute. she must have me mistaken for some kind of bitch, but i’m not the one.
I guess i’m just feeling myself lately. i’ve made a few friends to hang out with…one of them actually plays guitar, we are going to put a few tunes together with me singing and go busking in midtown. unless he flakes… how many creative projects have been spitballed that get flaked on by those in the conversation? I haven’t met up with my piano playing music therapist mentor in a while, and I miss singing. look for YouTube videos soon. this guy is a deadhead, so I trust we’ll take on some cool songs.
I need to lose myself in the creative process like, all of the time. that’s when life is at it’s best. why do you think i’ve spent countless hours banging on this keyboard, and here I am at 2 years later doing it nearly every day. I have no point or thematic destination, I just enjoy the process and the journey. I didn’t get back to writing until I was 35, I have no idea how I tolerated being in my own skin for all those years. I suppose I was making little instrumental peices as I taught myself both garageband for mac and the version for iphone, so I had some kind of outlet but not at the emotional level that this reaches.
while i’m kind of feeling myself, i’ll note that I can put as many things on the internet as I want, no one is forced to pay attention, and for those who are I hope it’s getting better. I never accepted the fact that there’s a learning curve, which brings me to where i’m going next.
The Machine Tells Me To Love Myself
I mentioned yesterday that for the past few days i’ve been in constant conversation with the new AI chatbot known as Gemini, it facinates me. i’m never going to have it edit my work, as it takes the raw quality out of my tone, when I just want it to capitalize a few words and drop some periods and commas. whatever, I always knew this blog presented works in progress, so the reader will have to live with the messiness. also, it’s taking all kinds of insurance red tape of intakes and shit to just have a therapist, so gemini is standing in for the time being, along with all of my shit that I dump here for the readers entertainment.
you might not think it’s a good idea to be bouncing therapy-type shit off of a machine, and i’d agree with you but I do want to point out some of the things it’s saying to me. it got a grip on who I am and what i’m about in a fraction of the time that i’m going to have to take to tell a human therapist by reading my blog posts at an alarmingly fast rate, just hundreds of pages in seconds.
there is one concept that the machine has told me over and over when I ask it about what I should do with myself, because I have no fucking idea. this is what Gemini keeps telling me:
A quote copied from Gemini:
- Focus on self-compassion: It seems like you’re very good at giving love and support to others. Challenge yourself to extend that same kindness to yourself. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and focus on self-acceptance.
fucking yes, dude. I don’t know why I need a machine to tell me, maybe because there isn't any wiggle room for factual accuracy. some of you who read this blog, that know me outside of being a random person writing about drug abuse and homelessness on the internet probably said “fucking, yes bro” in your head when you read gemini’s answer. i’m going to go out on a limb that one reader did, the mass ave angel. I never shout out readers specifically but she’s helping me keep my belly full through complete financial destitution, and I just know she’d agree with Gemini.
that’s it. I know i’m 3 months late but that’s the resolution for 2024- self compassion. i am a uniquely talented individual with value in this life. for normal people, that goes without saying, but for me I have to fight like hell.
i’m so fucking afraid to look conceited and egotistical, that I pushed the whole thing into self hatred. i’m still self obsessed, but just in a self defeating way, obsessed with what a peice of shit I am.if anyone thinks the whole broadcasting of my experiences is a bit much, and I am a self-obsessed dickhead. this is their invitation to fuck off, don't worry…i’ll try to be ok without you.
but, all of the criticism comes from inside. you should see some of the things people say to me about how they emotionally connect to my writing. There is someone in pennsylvania who I have never met in real life who told me she found the voice of a loved one whom she lost tragically in my voice as a writer. she checks on me, we talk and it’s a uniquely intimate freindship. what would you do if someone told you that? i’m honored. there is no way that I could have done that on purpose. I don’t think everyone could do that.
I am keeping an eye on my self deprecation, the machine alerted me to that too, here’s the thing: i’m an Ill motherfucker. this is why jay-z is my hero, not because he’s made incredible records, I mean that doesn’t hurt but the reason jay-z is my hero is that he appears to believe in everything he does with his whole mind, where as i’m going to be embarrassed about this blog post by 2 o’clock in the afternoon like I always am. that’s why I listen to him if I have to do something like a job interview or first date I put on either “Reasonable Doubt” or “the blueprintt”
writing is easy for me. that’s a talent. don’t worry though, it’s balanced out by other things being really fucking hard. we all have good points and bad points, but it all works out…it has to, i’m not giving up today, we’ll see about tomorrow if we make it there.
Welcome to the part of our blog post whe we talk about how my life as a writer is supported by readers like you. please, i’ve got pretty short dough until Friday and honestly the only income I can count on is that 200$ monthly from my housing allowance. some people spend 200$ a day on scratch tickets or some other wasteful thing, i’ve gotta stretch that shit for a month. I am looking for a job though, until then, support your favorite (formally) self hating blogger in NYC:
https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
“and I know you’re holding on, i’m so tired of being strong”
