well, now, hmmmm.
I’m not anyone, and I don't know anything. Which is fine. It’s way better than being under the impression that I am someone who knows something. I found myself pretty sure that I was someone who knew something, which is nowhere a man like me should be spending a lot of time.
Sure, I don’t live on the street anymore, this is great! love that for me! I was standing in a self congratulatory mental winners circle in my head over this fact. the problem with the aforementioned place of patting myself on the back is that it makes me a stationary object. I’ve got a history of drug addiction and severe mental illness, two adversaries that love it when I’m not a moving target.
Two things can be true at the same time: I can be a whole lot better off than I once was, while still not being where i’d like to be. I thought it was like a switch like “oh now you’re good”. I have no idea why my perception of reality is so inaccurate, or why I’m just now understanding some of these very simple things. If anyone reads this, I would not blame them for scratching their head and wondering why my mind treats simple concepts like theoretical physics or something.
Here’s another two things that can be simultaneously true: I can be a decent person with good intentions, while also being a self centered asshole. Someone close to me pointed out a lot of the ways in which I am a self centered asshole, yesterday, honestly it was hard to argue with a lot of the evidence.
I’m really looking for a middle. the whole “awww, your feelings” approach, with it’s softness and focus on self esteem, and forgiving yourself for everything removes my very real culpability for being a selfish dipshit.
on the other side of that, though, is the “fuck your feelings” approach, and when I’m in that lane, I can’t tolerate my own existence, i’m a piece of shit who has nothing to contribute to anyone. This is why I haven't written anything in a few days, I couldn’t stomach the output.
I don’t know, I don’t have a clue where the middle is. I don’t know what i’m doing at all. I know what i’m not doing, though: i’m not giving up.
I don’t even fault people who give up, either, it’s a perfectly logical response to a world that’s more fucked up than language can even adequately describe. Living in New York City, I encounter people who have given up all of the time, I don’t think any less of them… I don’t want to kick it with them, either.
I have no idea what i’m capable of. God bless my supportive housing roommates for being maybe the only two people in the world who think I have my shit together, just because I do my laundry, go grocery shopping, and don’t talk to myself (audibly). They can’t check any of those boxes, still very nice people and comparatively way better than my past roommates. I may be way off, like with everything I think but I feel like I’ve set the bar quite low for myself. I was thinking of setting it a bit higher.
OK, i’m lost in word salad. This is a blog, though, I don’t have to write war and peace.
