I am so bi polar. I’m either a self perceived genius in love with love, in love with the universe and full of over for everyone else, or, a self loathing misanthrope, with no tolerance for anyone. I never let the hate out, so no one really knows how harshly I judge them. I have found confidants that I’d sit around and bitch about everyone with over coffee and cigarettes.
I once had a girlfriend who was a gifted social butterfly. it was like that line in “casino” when ace says that he just loves to watch ginger work a room, I felt that way about her. She could do that marvelously, and so can I if I have the mood to, which is rare. I think back on high school, working classrooms and cafeterias, flirting fearlessly with any girl that I thought was attractive, no hall passes just politeness and charm to get me by. I read somewhere that it’s better to be well liked at the office than good at what you do, and i think I’ve been able to slide on that more than a few times.
This social butterfly girlfriend told me that one of her friends asked her “hey, how come we never see Evan out socializing with us, in all of those things that we do?” to which she replied, “well, Ev doesn’t actually like anyone.” Fuck, I had let her behind the curtain of social pleasantries to the land of fiery judgmental intolerance that I keep behind my eyes, and she had dripped the secret out to someone else.
I hate that I'm like that a lot of the time, i hate that i can’t mentally meet people where they are, and who they are and what they do. it’s probably because i hate myself so much at the end of the day, and i hate the sectors of my deficiencies that I see in them. I mean, I don't hate myself right now, at 8:14 AM on wed, as this medium article falls out of my hands into this web browser. I bet you by 4PM I'll lose all of this self esteem, and esteem for others. I guess I'll wait until it returns tomorrow at 8:14 AM, and ride the cycle, do good things when it’s good, and try not to be an asshole when it isn’t.
I don’t make any sense. I’m so fucking insane. I'm simultaneously the worst person I know, the illest motherfucker in the room, afraid of everyone, in love with everyone while not being able to stomach anyone. I love myself here, in self expression where I'm more comfortable than anywhere else. I have no idea what I have just written, but that’s ok.
