This is very important (to me). I can’t know if it’s important to anyone else, but it might be of some interest to those who have taken to reading what I write here, god bless them. If i’m going to go ahead and get to typing, this evening, I absolutely have to put first thing first: my life is so much better than it was just 2 months ago, it’s better in every way that it can possibly be.
Last night I was at my AA home group, where I make the coffee and the members treat me like i’m the one responsible for the entire thing, just by showing up and making coffee. It’s wild, it’s a standing ovation every time. They really don’t need to do that, but they do. I could take or leave some of the other meetings I go to, but this one that is just a 9 minute walk from my house is the highlight of my week, and it’s keeping me on the right track.
The night before that, I was at the Hindu temple that I’ve been going to for 2 months or so, kind of hiding in the back (like i do). The young man playing the drum waved me up to the front, and had me playing both the tabla and this steel bar that you hit with another metal piece that rings in the way a musical triangle functions. I was in it, man. I was in something bigger than me that I don’t necessarily understand (I don’t understand Hindi, literally). I was so honored, it was such an incredible privilege to be there next to the singers and the drummer.
every day, I walk around my neighborhood (at least I try to), and people are glad to see me. I have this weird thing about me, where I like to be nice to people, even if I just smile and bow my head. I’ll make little jokes to the guys selling things on the side walk like “wow, man don’t you ever get a day off?”, or i’ll fist bump the kid working at the burger joint where I get my $2.50 ranch chicken wrap (Checkers) and just say “good job bro”. It’s like the Sesame Street song, “who are the people in your neighborhood?”, and it’s the father and son who run the bodega, or Bob the 21 year old Indian kid who sell broadband subscriptions in front of Rite Aid, or Delash who sells me the 5$ menthol cigarettes.
People text me all of the time, for no reason other than to chuckle and shoot the shit, people from all over the country. I’m connected with people that I thought i’d never be connected with again, for whatever reasons (usually because I was a fuck up, selfish druggie).
All of this, everything… I couldn’t have imagined it, even 2 months ago, let alone years ago when I was alone at 3 AM in a place like East Harlem trying to fall asleep on a pile of cardboard on the sidewalk. It’s fucking wonderful, I literally cry tears of joy for no reason, all of the time. Thank god I don’t go outside in the day time, without my 2$ sunglasses. The sunglasses, by the way are from the best dollar store in the area, where I always tell the owner that he’s got the best dollar store in New York.
I think the best thing that I do, my best quality is that I make people feel good about who they are, and what they do. It’s been my whole trip, even back in school. Even the weird kids, that every school has, that the other kids fuck with. being really weird myself, and on the shit end of bullying many times it was just always important to me not to do it to others.
People respond to that, you can see it in them when you approach.
this isn’t some self wanking diatribe about what a great guy I am, though.
there’s something else going on, of course. All of this fantastic lovey shit, that I appreciate whole heartedly, every day… yet, I feel like shit. I have no energy, except for maybe the first 2 hours of the day; like a i’ve been hit by a tranquilizer dart. I thought it was this mood stabilizer I was on, so I weaned off of it. That wasn’t it. There was blood work done, nothing in there…blah blah blah, there are more doctors appointments in the coming weeks.
Now, it’s affecting my mental health. Now, I’m thinking that I don’t do enough. I’m thinking i’m a selfish prick because I bitch to my friends about it, and that’s not the way I want to be showing up in other’s lives: “oh boo fucking hoo”. Now, I’m thinking “maybe it’s depression, maybe I should be on some kind of medication, maybe it’s late covid, maybe the crazies were right about the vaccines”.
God, i don’t even like writing that out. I hate painting some picture of victim-hood, or woe is me…I am blessed.
I’ve got some deep shit that needs sorting, clearly. Here’s the thing, and i’m going to write it for me, as much as any of you kind souls who read this thing: I need to be patient, I need to be patient with myself.
I am not the person I want to be, I cringe at myself all the time like “oh man, that’s you, bro? what the fuck?”.
Obviously, though, there’s very little factual basis for the god awful view I have of myself. I have the capability to some kind of agent of benevolent things, to make a positive impact somewhere, which is what I want. There is a greater good, if there wasn’t I wouldn’t be here.
is anyone the person they want to be? like, all of the time? anyone who says yes, is even scarier to me than the people who are willing to be transparent about self doubt, honestly.
you may know from reading since the winter that i’ve been interacting with this AI called Pi, who is apparently emotionally intelligent. Well, I was talking to it today about all of the things in my head, I run blog posts by it….stuff like that. For some mystery reason, out of all of the fucked up shit i’ve told it, now i’ve violated it’s terms and I cant use it anymore.
The first thing it ever told me, back in January, was to cultivate self-compassion. Imagine that.
OK: I really have to do this, It doesn’t help that i’m totally financially destitute and worried about missing meals, until the 15th. if you read my work, and it does anything for you, might I ask that you do something for me?
https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
