I typed my way through an anxiety attack and then fell asleep in the middle of the day. I still don’t really know what to do with myself, so I thought I’d try typing a little more.
I have a supportive housing interview for an apartment on Monday. Supportive housing is a program in New York City that provides housing and support to those with serious mental illnesses to keep them off the street after treatment (see: the name makes sense). I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for a long time. I don’t even know where it is, but I know it isn’t on Staten Island. I specified that in my preferences for the paperwork.
Of course, I want to go back to the real world. I’ve been in treatment for going on the 14th month in this program, which has been very good to me. It would be nice to be able to say, “I want a bagel,” and then just go and get one. I can’t go out where I am; my world is very small (this building). I can’t wait to move on with my life, but I am also afraid. If you’re a long-time reader, you would understand my fear. What have I changed that will keep me from burning my life to the ground? Is this place the only thing keeping me from doing that?
I know I’ve had this discussion with myself on here before, when it seemed like this was going to happen and then didn’t, this was months ago. Now it really seems like it’s going to happen. Of course, whatever happens, I’ll be writing about it.
I kind of forget what life is like outside of treatment. I did live decently back in 2021 when I first got into supportive housing (before everything went to hell). I used to take walks around the city, and I was going to school. This time, I am not enrolled in any classes, but I think I’m going to get a job, despite recently hiring an attorney to help with my disability case. I’m going to need something to do and money. I’ll receive a little bit from a paid internship I did here back in the winter, but that won’t last forever. I’m going to need to generate some income.
I was thinking about going back to Alcoholics Anonymous, actually. I really don’t know anyone outside of this program, and how would I meet people who aren’t horrible? Not through Tinder.
I haven’t seen any live music since before COVID, and I definitely want to do that, especially in small venues. I don’t feel the need to see Phish at Madison Square Garden, for instance.
Life is so funny. No one wants to be in a treatment facility, as an adult being told when to do things, but then the possibility of getting out is kind of bittersweet. I can’t tell you how much love I get around this little community; pretty much everyone likes me and respects me. I can’t stay here forever, nor do I want to. I want to wake up to a real cup of coffee; that’s one of the things that comes to mind. I’m going to go to Target and buy a French press as my first order of business in the free world.
I think I will really have to take things one day at a time, try to make music, keep writing, make sure I get enough sleep, and keep my belly full. I need to avoid getting too close to the fire, from whichever angles. I need to stay in touch with my loved ones as I have throughout this treatment process. In fact, I would be able to visit them, which would be very nice, something I didn’t do last time I was living on my own and able to. one day at a time, stay connected, and plan visits to look forward to. OK, stay tuned for an update on what happens.
Oh yes, this is where i post my little fundraising link, where the reader can keep me in coffee: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
please and thank you.
