It’s been a while, and I'm a pretty reasonable individual (in most respects), but I'm reminded of my 26 year old 425 pound Brooklyn supportive housing roommate Antonio, as i am not playing the new Zelda game for switch. After all, he let a junkie take over my living room, and steal all of my video games and technology while I was in rehab including the Switch. Plus, he attacked me with a steak knife. At first I wanted to take the “oh i just hope he gets the help he needs” angle. I am not that big of a person though. I understand he will be going upstate, pleading to a 2nd degree felony attempted murder charge… good. maybe he’ll lose some weight.
I want to kill him. I really think about that, occasionally. if I had the opportunity, I would kill that fat piece of human excrement, you know? Letting people take everything I own, and making up some bullshit story, eating all of my food, fucking stabbing me. the time living with someone like that was the most difficult period of my life, and my life has had some difficult periods, man, read the back catalog. My head doesn't go there all of the time, but when I'm not playing the new Zelda game, you know, I feel a bit of murderous rage.
Not only do I want to kill Antonio, I want to kill the junkie that used him for a place to smoke crack and dope (our living room), while i was trying to stay sober. I mean, fentanyl might sort that out for me if it hasn’t already, one can hope. actually, overdosing on heroin is really better than living with a physical opiate addiction, so I just hope he wakes up broke and dopesick, with no hustle to get off of E.
This is my first time dealing with the trauma of being physically attacked by someone, so I don’t really know what the playbook is. Sure, I've had a whole bunch of other traumatic shit happen, but it was usually caused by my own behavior. My friend Mass Ave Angel Cait sent me a book about trauma, but i am terrible at reading books when I have 3 to 5 screens around… I really should read it..
it’s odd, you think you’re mentally past things, but they just kind of come back for the strangest reasons, like a new Zelda game. It’s uncomfortable wanting to kill someone, I don’t really like that feeling. I’m not going to kill anyone, though, the whole thing is not killing myself.
Antonio is going to state prison, and Chase has to exist as a heroin addict in shithole East Flatbush … Me, well, I had a nice sandwich today and I don’t have to do either, so. it’s hard to believe in anything, but maybe there is something to Karma.
I don’t mean to get stuck in the things that happened to me last year, and i don’t think that I am, but i just occasionally think “damn, I'd kill that motherfucker”. I think it’s understandable.
a jedi seeks not revenge -yoda
the backstory:
