To Move And Breathe
I’ve got to do this and you (my loyal readers) can take it any which way you choose to (this is of course, none of my buisness).
if i stop and look at my life, with all of the freakishly vivid recollections of everything, all the way back… the joy, the pain, all of the people and places, i can tell you unequiviocally that i’m in the best place that i’ve ever been.
this really doesn’t have anything to do with surface things. i mean, i have better gadgets and all of that, although there’s always room for imporvement there. it’s really about the clarity and acceptance of myself and the world as i expderience it.
i always had all of these really limiting beliefs: toxic shame, need for the approval of others, regret… all that fun shit that makes you want to escape reality, even if it destroys you in the process
the only person i’m out to impress is myself, and for the first time ever, it’s working (more times than not, and not all the time).
i stopped writing for a moment. i needed to have a little snack.
i will say this: wherever i am, i see things shine. the people around me may think it’s strange but i just point at mundane things and say “wow, man look at that….it’s beautiful”
i may be talking about a rusty elevated subway tracks, some brickwork on the corner of a 3 story building, a lawn ornament, a giant bush…. see: thats already more commas than i like in my sentences, and i could certainly continue.
i think i wrote before that my new phone has a blessed camera with angelic lens flare all of the time. i think about that, and it’s more that my perception is blessed with persistent lense flare, and some kind of unexplainble glow.
it’s fucking wild, i have to check myself regularly. i seek counsel from professionals, spiritual mentors and others.
before i roll over and go to sleep i’ll share a conversation i had with an artistic mentor and the director of the film i’m in, Mariano.
i was in a program in the lower east side, trying to sort the many things in my life including having a place to live that wasn’t a pile of cardboard on the sidewalk in midtown mahattan.
i was discovering, or maybe rediscovering my love for making music, and generally expressing myself artistically. i was singing songs i liked, and filming it.
one day, there was one of those songs where my concern was not whether or not it was in my range enough that i could manage to stay in key, but if i could contain the emotional response to singing it.
it was a phish song, by anastasio/marshall. it has a lot of meaning to me, and many friends as far back as 20 years. it has this line:
“a tiny space to move and breathe, is all that i would ever need”- “Dirt” — Phish
Mariano pointed out that it was me, thats what i was trying to do, get myself a space to move and breathe, and to create.
this might be obvious to everyone, and i may be new to knowing it but i think if you look around you might realize that you are where you wanted to be at some time in the past. maybe not in every way, and maybe not all the way where you’re trying to be, but that’s fine too because at least you’ll find something to be grateful for.
i could write more, because i have more to say, but i think i’ll roll over and get to sleep, it’s 11:32PM which is damn near 11:33 and so on.
i make many things
many, many
