today is my brother Dylan’s birthday, and since he always gets me something thoughtful for my birthday I figured I would use the only tool at my disposal to do something for his. Dylan is 2 years younger than me, which puts him in my life as far back as I can remember, I have a very good memory for someone who’s done such cruel things to his brain but I don’t recall anything prior to him being around. I have spent my whole life with him, there aren’t that many people on this earth that I can say that about.
i’ll come out and say that I have been and probably always will be jealous of him for so many reasons, but not in a toxic resentful way (like I might have been when I was a bullied kid for my small size and generally weirdness ). he is a whole lot taller than I am (which meant more when I was a kid than it does now), better looking (by a lot), and he lacks a lot of the things about my personality that make me Ill equipped to get by in life (not that I’ve given up on figuring out a way, not by a long shot). this doesn’t mean he’s free of all struggle and floating around life on a cloud , trust me, but it just gave me something to envy, and for that reason I was not a nice older brother to him when we were children. It’s not all envy, though. he inspires me every day by pulling off adult things and being present in places where I am often absent.
when we were really little I’ll admit that I tormented him, which Is best illustrated by the time he ran to my mother as a young child, sobbing “mom, ev called me sensitive!”. He also really did not like being called “diddy”, and so I made sure to call him that whenever I addressed him. I was just so unnecessarily mean to him and a lesser man would have developed some kind of lifelong complex from my cruelty, but not Dylan. he’s always been kind to me, even when I’m difficult (which I have been many times).
he could always climb any tree or jungle gym , play any sport and run really fast would impress the other kids anywhere we were by excelling these things. in fact, whenever I would attempt to take on one of the things he was making short order of, i’d almost always end up with an injury ranging anywhere from a skinned knee to a broken bone. I wanted to be as popular on the playground as he always was, but I just couldn’t swing it. when you’re a child, physicality is important, it is when you’re an adult too but it’s not everything. just because he’s a got more going for him in the physical sense doesn’t mean that he’s a slouch intellectually, either, he has a wisdom that’s almost an “old soul” vibe with the patience to match, and he is an avid reader of all kinds of literature.
i’m not here to give the play by play of the last 36 years, i’ll just tell you that my brother is what you’d call my day 1 road dog in a very literal sense. when my father manically made the Ill advised choice to move the family to Colorado from Massachusetts via a cross country road trip in 1994 it was he and I experiencing the open road at ages 8 and 6. I don’t know how many festivals and concerts we’ve gone to, but it’s a lot. in our twenties we frequented these frivolous and depraved summer camping concerts with ridiculously druggy names like “the gathering of the vibes”. we are very complimentary of one another when it comes to working a social setting (especially at these kinds of festivals) and walking away with new friends because people want to be around us.
there was a time in 2016 that led to both the proudest moment I've ever experienced and a little period that could be described as a peak in terms of overall health and happiness in every category. I could write a ten page thing about virtues of my brother because he’s a virtuous kid, but i’m trying to get at the Essence of who he is and what he means to me.
I forget exactly when it was, but as a rock climber (what else would he have done for a hobby) he decided to leave Boston and move out to boulder Colorado, where there are some rather large rocks to scale (see: the rocky mountains). he made a strong go of it, becoming a mattress salesman to pay rent, and climbing shit that would land me in a body bag, i’m sure he was one of the better token “i moved to boulder” white boys out there (moving to CO is kind of a right of passage in the east coast white boy culture) , I was only able to visit once in 2015 I happened to have the best day of my life which culminated in going to see a very remarkable Phish show, at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park, where they play at the end of every summer, and have since probably 2010 (the people who know these things can tell me). it was actually 3 phish shows, but I only count the last one as truly remarkable, as the first letter of every song title in the unusually long encore spelled out T.H.A.N.K Y.O.U. in the Phishyest way possible. plus there was an actual goat (the farm animal) in the parking lot with the nitrous tanks and disco parties, which was random and hilarious.
I flew home (literally, on an airplane) and in spirits to return to being happily exploited by GameStop inc. in Monmouth County, NJ and thinking it was great because of all the video games I could play for free. a few weeks passed and I started getting these really alarming phone calls from him, where he’d be drunk on bourbon and expressing the desire to throw in the towel on life. there had been no evidence that Jim beam had him on the ropes like that when I was out there, but it was clear that he was in a place that wasn’t at all foreign to me. it just so happened that I was almost 2 years deep in recovery from just that kind of state at the time, and I was surrounded by a very active group of fairly young people who were doing the same thing. I had a sponsor, I was pretty far along in the 12 steps, and I would regularly go to rehabs, jails and psych wards to tell people how I did it. I don’t remember how I talked him into it, but we got him to drop the mattress gig and everything else out west and come stay with my father and I so he could come hang around these 12 step kids like I did. I’m not asking for some kind of award, i’m just providing the background to a particularly proud moment, and a really great few years. obviously I didn’t stay sober, if you’ve read this blog you know that, whatever Dylan's relationship with intoxicants is and has been is nobody’s business but his (not even mine).
he got a sponsor, who I still have a great deal of respect for not only for his sobriety and what he did for Dyl but for all the random shit he knows about obscure Japanese role playing video games. before we knew it it was time for him to stand up in front of roughly 100 people and celebrate a year of sobriety.
i’m going to put a little page break here and mention that I can’t even bring up this day without completely losing my shit and leaking out of the eyes, but I guess typing it is easier than verbally saying it out loud, and was certainly easier than delivering the little remarks in front of all of these people was. it’s ok, though, it’s a beautiful thing. one can only hope that there is to be more moments like this, not that I have to duplicate it precisely but anything in the neighborhood of an experience like that is a high water mark of life.
someone made the decision that it was going to be me to give my brother this little bronze token, and to say something about it. I fucking sobbed tears of joy in front of this room full of people, and some of them were moved to tears as well, I know my parents and sister were. to this day I have never been more proud. if I am losing my grip on everything (which does happen) I can look at that in my memory and be reminded of what kind of things are possible if I can hold on tight . Jesus Christ man, I have to stop typing for a second before I get to the rest of this, it’s still that emotionally intense. it’s awesome, though. i’m glad I can get in touch with my feelings like that.
anyway, during that year he got a very appropriate job at a climbing gym, which paid way more than mine (honestly there are prison laborers that make more than GameStop assistant managers), he got a little grey Nissan, and a cute girlfriend with similar outdoorsy interests . eventually he and I moved into a small apartment in a mansion on ocean avenue in Belmar, New Jersey that was literally across the street from the boardwalk and the Atlantic Ocean. Life was really good, like really really good. I don’t think i’ve ever given him credit for this but I want to make sure I do: he happily paid more than I did in rent in that little beach apartment, and he drove me to work every day without complaints like a trooper. this is the kind of person he is, I can provide more evidence of his strong character: back in 2005 , a lot went down with my family that resulted in my parents divorce, and the loss of our home to foreclosure, while I took it really badly, couldn't handle it and had to make an escape to Boston to live with my girlfriend , he was there as an anchor for my mother and a big brother to my sister, who I am 11 years older than. Even though he had been critically injured in a serious car accident that required medflight to Boston, he was there for the females of the Penkethman family.
back in belmar (2016) he took up surfing, I was catching Pokemon on my phone and getting a girlfriend, we made very Boulder, Co-esque smoothies with juiced kale, fruits and chia seeds and we just had a good time, playing Mario kart and stuff like that. good, wholesome brotherly male bonding of the highest order.
eventually the call of the highway was too loud for him to ignore, and he and his lady got a camping trailer to go bounce around from national parks to campgrounds in places like Utah and Wyoming, and it looked amazing in the photos he was sending back. he even adopted a senior Yorkshire terrier to keep him company when he and his girlfriend parted ways. while I was happy for him that he was doing the kind of things with his life that he wanted to (that’s really rare for people to have the balls to go for), I missed him dearly. sure I had my own, bigger and nicer apartment, a sizable collection of retro video games, and seeing more live music than I ever had, but I would have instantly traded it to be back in that little beach apartment with such a good roommate.
so, now, in 2024 as he turns 36 he works another job that’s perfectly suited to his fearlessness when it comes to climbing shit I would never attempt. he is an one of those guys who climbs huge trees with a harness and trims the limbs that need to come off with a chainsaw. it’s as dangerous as it sounds, and he sends us pictures that scare the shit out of my mother, I don't worry as much, I know how good he is at climbing things because I've been watching him do it for 36 years.
he’s currently present for my mother who is having health problems while also having the kind of money troubles that so many of us have in this late capitalist hellscape of a society, she’s got a job that insists she commute to the office when she’s perfectly productive remotely (maybe more productive than her co-workers, I think). he’s also present for my little sister, who has a seizure disorder that isn’t even understood by her doctors. for god's sake she lives in Boston, home of the best hospitals in the country if not the world. I hate that it’s like this for my family, it feels like the universe is fucking with us for some kind of cruel entertainment. once again my brother is there for them where I’m not able to be, and I know it’s emotionally and financially difficult for him at times. I admire that he can do that, he’s very strong in ways that I don't think I could ever be. I look up to him, not just because he’s taller than me, or because he’s really high up in a tree, but because he is a shining example of a human being.
my friend asked me today if I prefer NYC to Boston, and I told him of course I do… like, it isn't even a fair fight. I told him the only drawback is that I miss my family all of the time, especially my road dog, top wingman, and personal hero Dylan. I hope he has a good birthday and I hope i’ve been able to do even a small percentage of justice to what kind of kid he is, and always has been. if I could be more like him, that would be moving of direction of personal growth.
