Oh man, I woke up at four o’clock in the morning and couldn’t fall back asleep, which means I’ve already been awake for 6 hours. I’m completely out of it now, and my attention span for doing something productive is a complete write-off.
“What productive things were you even going to do before you woke up 3 hours early with an inability to think?” you might ask. Well, my application for disability was declined some time last week, so it leaves me with a few things to do. Firstly, I need to get someone to help me appeal this because the process of filing is too much for me. This is embarrassing because I still attach shame and stigma to my mental illness, but I’ve been psychiatrically hospitalized more times than I even know. I really don’t have the faintest clue how to gather all the evidence of being disabled by multiple diagnosed mental illnesses. I literally tried working just a few months ago, only to have the same kind of severe anxiety attacks that I had at the last job back in 2020, and this time there wasn’t even a global catastrophe going on, aside from the everyday catastrophe that is corporate retail. If there were bootstraps to pull myself up by, I think I’ve made the conscious effort to do that.
Which brings me to the other thing I was going to attempt to do today: look for a job. You know why? For money, that’s why. I don’t have money; therefore, I need to find a job. This is how the world works.
Here’s the problem: What can I do? This past summer, I tried to do what I’ve always historically done my whole underwhelming professional life and work in retail. I was good at it too because I know how to do that. What can I do that isn’t going to make me have anxiety attacks like I did when I was thrown to the wolves by the company that wanted me to sell phones in a Target store in Brooklyn that couldn’t seem to put any actual Target employees in the places where they were needed. By the time these customers reached me, they were already agitated by not being able to get their baby formula out of the locked cages for way longer than anyone should have to wait. There’s me, with anxiety getting all kinds of cunted upon by all kinds of cunts.
Seriously, though, I’m going to put my email address right here: ev.penk7@gmail.com. Please tell me what I should do for money. Maybe it’s just the four in the morning wake-up thing, but I’m in one of those states where I feel like I can’t do anything.
I'm gonna put my little coffee link here, in case you feel like helping: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
