I’ve been in the addiction treatment program I’m in for over a year, and I’m so glad. There was never a time when I was going to do what I do and just take off. I’ve seen so many other clients come and go, and in a few cases even come back. I knew I was where I needed to be, and I still know that. I have moments when I’m tired of not having the freedom to come and go as I please and having to share a room with someone else. If I think about the last decade, I’ve spent a lot of it in treatment, so there are many aspects of that kind of experience that I’ve just grown accustomed to. This past year has been the best treatment episode I’ve ever had. I couldn’t be more grateful for the fact that this is where I ended up last fall. It’s amazing how loved and supported I am here, and I feel very close to a lot of the staff who have done so much for me and always met me where I am at.
It would seem like I’m nearing the end of my stay here, with a supportive housing interview in a little over a week. I’m not nervous about the interview; I’ve always interviewed well, especially if I listen to Jay-Z that morning. Of course, it’ll be nice to be in a place where I can go get ice cream at 3 AM if I feel like it and not need anyone’s permission to do what I want.
This scares me, though because, above all, I feel safe here, and I had the worst period of my life the last time I had total freedom. I’m not saying all the bad things that happened were my fault, but it’s not at all like I was exactly helping matters by drinking and using drugs. I think I have learned a lot from it, though. I learned how not to live on my own, and then came here and learned how to accept and care about myself. When you care about yourself, you move a lot differently.
I’ll move into this apartment, hopefully with either no roommate or a decent one (who won’t attack me with a steak knife). I’m going to try to work again because life is going to be a lot more expensive than it is here in treatment, and there are a lot of necessities that I don’t have to pay for. I’ll keep writing and making music. I’ll go to therapy and outpatient groups. I will try to stay in touch with the people I’ve met here because I still don’t really know anyone worth knowing in this city outside of the people I’ve met in this community. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have fears, given the kind of things I’ve been through.
You can’t stay in residential treatment forever; eventually, you have to get back to real life. It feels like a really long time since I got here, but it isn’t.
I used to be ashamed that I had to end up in places like this over and over. It was embarrassing. I’m not embarrassed anymore. We all have to fight like hell to get to where we want to be, and I think it took everything it took to get me where I am. I seriously believe that I needed every experience that almost killed me because they didn’t kill me; I’m still here, and I still have a chance to make my life something I want to live.
