We Are Living It
Ok, Ev, breathe in (i am not my body) breathe out (i am not even my mind).
I’ve been using Sadhguru’s new mediation app (miracle of mind), and thats what he says.
There’s a lot going on…in my life (beautiful things) and in the world (ugly things). I’ve avoided sitting down and sorting them on this particular medium of expression, because its a lot. MEDIUM of expression…get it? A little word play to get me warmed up, help me find that rhythm. c’mon, guy…a little levity, for fucks sake.
I’m typing this on a brand new windows 11 laptop. It was given to me by TSINY, my supportive housing agency. I’ll tell you why: because they believe in me.
here’s the other reason i avoided sorting all the things in writing: this is going to make me cry….tears of joy. And later on, tears of sorrow. We’ll get to both if i play my cards right and lock in to the music I'm listening to and click it with the tapping of key strokes, and if i dent think too much.
the music in question: https://open.spotify.com/album/1rSxuSgBdp3ErOgCJ0VOcN?si=gqZxJYy7SGGUXwGvHAvkWA
I’ve gone to 12 step meetings every day for the last 3 weeks. I’ve been adopted by Guyanese immigrants and native new Yorkers into their families, into their homes to meet their children and their grandchildren and their dogs.
when I leave these meetings I have the option of getting a ride with my sponsor but lately I’ve decided to walk home. walking with my headphones on used to be meditative and part of the process but now I walk with Mukesh. I am so privileged to be walking around South Ozone Park in little Guyana with this older gentleman we laugh we talk about being drunks, we talk about new york, we talk about god, his grandchildren, my family we talk about the Beegees we talk about everything. I in some kind of transcendent way in the company of my late grandfather, opie, who was my closest family member and mentor as a child.
Mukesh is not a professor like Opie was but he is just as wise, with an excellent Guyanese accent, Hindu upbringing, sharp wit, and fantasic sense of humor. The exact same weight and height that my grandfather and shared, too which is funny. 125lb, between 5'3 and 5'5
I stop and I think about how everything I went through landed me in a beautiful house, and a welcoming neighborhood with a Hindu temple at the end of my street just when I was ready. now leaking all over the keyboard out of my eyes in my room on my new computer surrounded by all the new decorations I’ve been putting up of my Heroes of rock and roll and the deities… And the last hospital wristband I wore I was freaking out on speed, and My face felt like it was on fire. I was freaking out so bad they gave me Valium. do you know how fucked up you have to be to get a prescription for Valium in 2025? I was ready to end things.
to be embraced by my my community of immigrants I feel a distinct responsibility to show up tomorrow for the no Kings protest in Manhattan. not that I didn’t before but now more than ever.
if you want to witness true human compassion you’ve got to hang out with people that are in some way marginalized by Society.
LGBTQ folks , immigrants, people with addiction and mental health struggles… People with any struggles.
these people are in grave Danger.
this is why the fuck we March. .
I don’t want to get all pissed off while I’m sitting here crying tears of gratitude. if you don’t know what’s going on that must be nice for you.
my challenge now is not to argue with fascist xenophobes in some comments section. My job now is to find the people that are uninterested or apolitical and not be a jerk to them, and help them understand that eventually they’re going to be forced to pay attention and by then it’s likely to be too late. I am not at all overreacting I’m not being hyperbolic I never failed history class, ever. I failed a lot of classes because I was on acid, I’m an alcoholic, i’m neurodivergent ,I’m a fucking Maniac whatever but I have never ever failed history.
we are living it.
i’ve taken to video blogging on the tiktok and the youtube. I started a new instagram but i feel better crashing out on tiktok. i have to tell you though, the rhythm of this keyboard is fantastic, and i should spend more time getting at it this way. I feel the feeling i forgot….
oh yeah, i got that job at the nonprofit bookstore that i was talking about on the last post.
linktr.ee/EvR0cK17
