Damn, I might have another one in me today, which would be the 3rd of the day. It’s really funny, just days ago I was honestly concerned that I had lost the ability to write at all, it just wasn't happening…surely it was gone forever. Now, i’m not thinking about it, nor do I know where it’s going, I just know it’s going.
My last post was quite angry, it was about people being killed unjustly, and i’m angry about anything I perceive as unjust, at any level. This is because I fundamentally understand that there are more similarities between all of us (human beings), then there are differences.
I’m not always in that space, I can totally get into the opposite space where i’m completely obsessed with only myself, what I want, and how I feel.
Interestingly, The two mental spaces are completely paradoxical, and yet they exist within me. Even more interesting, is that there are way more than 2 spaces , and they can all exist despite being at odds with one another. I don’t actually know how many there are, and I likely never will.
so, who am I? oh, God, i’m really going there, at 11:37 PM on a weeknight. I can’t be the only person asking that at an hour like this on a weeknight. I just decided i’d type about it, I encourage everyone else to at least scribble into a notebook if they aren’t into typing.
Who I am? It’s funny the common small talk question for all of us talking to each other is “what do you do?”. I really can’t stand that. Maybe i’m just sensitive to it because I’m technically unemployed, and i’ve got no money to speak of. It just seems like the question serves the purpose of sizing up how much respect we’re going to allot to the person we’re asking based on their station in life as defined by some made up hierarchy.
I suppose it’s less taxing on the intellect to be able to box each other in, and box ourselves into a definite category. It’s comforting, also, to have an identity, for various reasons. If I have an identity then I can group with other people who can identify with the experiences that come with having that identity.
One of the things that makes us all similar, as humans is that we are social beings, biologically so, otherwise how would we still be a species?
I was thinking, since I can 100% without any doubt identify myself as an addict, I can speak to that facet of who I am. It’s one of the things that I know without a doubt, and there aren’t that many of those things. I’m more sure that I’m an addict then i’m sure that i’m a writer, for instance.
There’s an old saying that i’ll paraphrase: “addiction wan’ts you dead, but it’ll settle for you being isolated and miserable”, something like that. I’ve never been lucky enough to be taken out of the miserable loop of active drug addiction with something like death, it would just be too easy, that’s not how things work for me. I’m always going to get the whole “isolated and miserable” treatment from the universe, and it’s going to feel like forever.
it wasn’t long ago when my days felt really long, and I felt very alone with the clock that seemed to never move.
Luckily, I remembered that by identifying that aspect of myself, I could actually find other people that just get it. Not that I didn’t have some in my life on the other side of phone calls and text messages, but there was something to be said for being in a physical space with people like me. Luckily these people meet in church basements every day, all over the city.
I’m not saying it’s the only thing I am, it’s just one of the things I am that I can safely pin down without question.
So, i’m still here. I remember hearing this for the first time in 2020 when I was weathering the height of the pandemic in a rehab program on 121st street in East Harlem. Someone was asked “How are you?” the response was “blessed and highly favored”. It’s just one of the things I never forgot.
i’m a very white boy, from a very white town in MA, East Harlem is a remarkably different place (culturally speaking) than Plymouth, MA. I tried to get an understanding of my surroundings like anyone would, by listening to the ways people talked to each other. I’m sure I learned a whole lot of things about the city that I've taken to calling home, four years and counting. I can say, though, that it’s very obvious that I am also blessed and highly favored.
so, who am I? well, i’m an addict. What do i do? well, at the moment I write about it. until right now.
I just wanted to write without thinking about the outcome or what it would be perceived as. I think those two concerns were getting in my way.
