I'm not going to proofread or edit this because i have a lot of things i need to do to try to get my shit together so I can get a j-o-b. i just needed to get something out while I have the mind and energy to do it, once that wave crashes around lunch time, I'm no good for doing anything.
This Post might be all over the place.
I finished that George Carlin documentary on HBO last night and i was completely amazed and inspired by him as not just a comedian, but as an intellectual and a master of the craft of writing as an observer of society. it had me thinking about how little I write now, and I wanted to throw myself back into it. if I could write 0.0000001% as well as Carlin, I would feel very satisfied with my work. I especially liked who he evolved into in his later years, with all the cynical darkness that probably lost him a big peice of the audience that he acquired doing those very saccharin 1970’s and 80’s variety shows behind. He was true to himself, and true to his craft, no matter what, and i respect that immensely. I aspire to be true to myself, I would like to lose myself in the work of self expression and generate work that is worth a fuck.
I have a big grandiose idea that I've been floating around and it looks like this: there has got to be over 300 pages of stuff I've written on this blog, maybe a lot more, with that being said I'd like to do something more productive with the content, like turn it into a real book. Here are the steps i’m thinking of taking in that direction: 1) write out an outline for the narrative arc 2) start moving the (already written stories in that order into a google doc 3) weave together the spaces between the stories for continuity 4) edit and proofread 5) self publish via amazon 6) profit.
Someone was explaining the difference between dreams and goals to me, with goals being specific, realistic and measurable, and dreams being whatever the fuck dreams are. I have 6 steps to coming up with a book, so i guess that's more of a goal than a dream, right?
oh yeah and I'd like to shake a buck out of it, fuck.
Which brings me to:
I have a question for myself: WHY THE FUCK does my emotional state get so fucked up when I'm out of money? i hate that, i hate money and what it does to me and all of us. I hate needing it to get by, i hate hate hate it. I woke up this morning with a massive chip on my shoulder, and started listening to music about robbing people, like i listen to sad music when i’m sad. I’m so spiritually in touch with how blessed, fortunate and highly favored I am until my cash app reads zero, and then my whole mentality is fucked up. Someone told me that financial insecurity has nothing to do with how much money I have but its all in how I'm reacting to it. I’m so fucking irritated with everything and everyone because of some number in my phone. what is that? I hate it.
“If my situation aint improving, i’m finna murder everything moving” -Jay-Z “Hard Knock Life”
i want to get into a position where I don't need anyone for anything, and i am moving in that direction, but maybe not as quickly as I'd like.
I’m going to get a job, there are a few boxes I have to check before I can and I'm checking them slowly but surely. I’m doing things now, everyday, that I couldn't pull off for years but I never give myself any credit, I can only see the things that I'm not doing. My therapist is always telling me to try to give myself a little credit for the things I'm pulling off, but i have no idea why I'm seemingly incapable. I'm a complicated man.
Pretend I'm back at Penn station singing “swing low sweet chariot” trying to scare up some bread to make it through the day, except now i’m at a keyboard, und3and i dont need any drugs. Measurable improvement, man, shit, fuck.
Shoot me an email with any opinions, I'm in a bad way I need love or someone to fight with, either way I'll be very responsive
ev.penk7@gmail.com
