My, God! I’ve not written since Sunday! This is very uncharacteristic of me, but i’ve been dealing with mysterious chronic fatigue, no matter what I do. It’s funny because i’m actually taking people’s advice these days, also very uncharacteristic. all of the sleep, vitamins, healthy food, excersize that people reccomend…it’s of no help. Luckily, I will speak to a doctor about recent blood work some time next week.
I didn’t open this tab to bitch though,
I’ve just come back from the Hindu temple at the end of my street that I started going to a few months ago, on sunday mornings. Today is Thursday evening, but it happens to be Durga Puja, so I was there at 6:30 sharp. I put on a nice shirt and my favorite scarf, because I don’t own any traditional silk Hindu attire but I wanted to approximate it as best I can. It’s important to me that I respect the culture of the people who attend the temple, and I think the effort counts. i’m the only white person, and I don’t at all want to be disrespectful or disruptive.
In case you don’t know what Durga Puja is, i’ll go to my assistant Pi to catch you up so we can move on.
Durga Puja is a Hindu festival celebrated annually to honor the goddess Durga, who is believed to be a manifestation of the divine feminine energy known as ‘Shakti.’ The festival symbolizes the triumph of good over evil and is one of the most important festivals in the Hindu calendar. -Pi
Now, I must say that my experience tonight was powerfully beautiful, in fact I was moved to tears. I was just thinking about everything that led me to where I am, all of the mistakes i’ve made, all of the pain and suffering which I could not make sense of, outside of thinking that it was my fault for being a shitty person. Somehow, though, it all put me in a place where I can literally be inside a Hindu temple in under 5 minutes from walking out of my door, it also put my mind in a place where that meant something to me. There were so many times when nothing meant anything to me, and now i’m walking around (when I have a bit of energy) seeing and hearing meaning in everything (I don’t even understand a single word of Hindi). Everything that happened, good and bad, it all seems to add up to where I am right now.
I was there, and there was this little girl with in the traditional silk Saree (sp?) and a little bow holding up this pony tail on the top of her little head. She coudln’t have been older that 3 years old. She was sitting with her mom, clapping to the beat of the always excellent music, as I was sitting and clapping (every 2nd beat). She just looked right at me and smiled ear to ear. Man, I just felt like I was in a place where I was supposed to be, and that smile was evidence of it. I’m not trying to be weird about someone’s kid or anything it’s just that a 2–3 year old is incapable of inauthenticity., they literally haven’t learned how.
I walked home with my eyes wide open, like I had dropped acid today (I hadn’t)
wow. it’s a rare occasion when I can hardly even articulate what’s going on through writing, it’s quite unbelievable.
I’m going to go tomorrow night, too.
