I have to write just to write, otherwise it’ll be the third day without practice, when I really like to practice every single day. I spent yesterday focused on making music from a looper app fed into my recent purchase of fruity loops mobile pro. Being that I don't know how to use fruity loops (I'm an apple Garageband veteran), I took a lot of time learning how to do all the basic functions, all while trying to feed in both my keyboard playing and a friend’s ukulele while playing live with the backing track audible to the microphone. It kept feeding back so I have to devise a better way to do it, it’s going to take a lot of practice. I guess that I don’t really have to write every day, as long as I'm expressing myself somehow.
Something else has been getting in my way: medication. First I was on 300mg of Seroquel, and that was bleeding into my next day, so last night I dropped down to 50mg and laid awake all night, in some kind of fucked up chemical sleep paralysis . It sucks because I cant seem to function at a level I want to be at no matter what I do. I think that my body will adjust to the change in a few nights and I'll be better off, 300mg of Seroquel was a staggeringly high dose for someone who only weighs 125 pounds soaking wet. 50 used to get the job done just fine, i think my tolerance has to go back down.
I am so hard on myself when I feel like I'm not reaching my potential. today I could barely even function at all and by the time 1 in the afternoon rolled around I had to lay down. I don't even know how I'm sitting here typing this, I feel like I'm on autopilot. I think that I’m going to try to be in bed by 8. It’s totally unrealistic for me to feel like a failure when i very literally cant even function, I think any close bystander would say I'm doing a pretty good job with all the things I'm trying to do, but I just cannot internalize it I'm never enough for myself. i mean, at least I haven't used drugs and alcohol in 86 days, which is not my longest sober time, but definitely the longest I've been able to put together in a while. I wish I could give myself a little more credit.
